10.25.2005 I've just read the section on African American introverts and metaphorically dropped to my knees in relief! I'm not American, but from the UK of Caribbean parentage - but the issues are the same (and I always wondered why I really liked Laurence Fishburne soooo much and now I know!).
Although I've read about quirky alones, highly sensitive people and empaths as well as introverts (all part of the same family in my opinion), I've never read anything about the special issues that people of African descent have. And there are special issues. Globally it seems to be that non white cultures (hate the term but can't think of a better one right now) are more community oriented in their approach, rather than individualist. As an introvert I believe a lot in the individual and so the notion of groups, community and group thinking is quite anathema to me.
Also African/Caribbean culture is usually very, very extraverted, so I've always felt out of place there. But then wholesale acceptance into other communities isn't normally forthcoming either. So growing up I felt like neither fish nor fowl. I could identify with some aspects of black culture, but other aspects just left me completely cold. And I was also aware that I liked certain writers, artists, musicians that a lot of black people had just never heard of - I just felt weird.
I understand myself better now and my friends are introverts from (interestingly enough) all backgrounds and cultures. What I've found is that I attract friendships from many different people and am always wanting to see the similarities, rather than the disparities in our cultures for mutual coming together I guess.
Anyway I thank you for this precious resource.
Julie Plenty, Julie Plenty, INFJ
9.29.2005
I was watching Tavis (Smiley) a few nights ago and
Larry Fishburne (LF) was the featured guest. As LF sat and listened, Tavis told the story of how excited he was, years earlier as a starstruck fan, to run into LF at one event or another. He was over-the-top enthusiastic and all souped up for this encounter with someone he really admired but, in the end, he came away from it feeling somewhat disappointed and rejected--underwhelmed, actually--because LF (as Tavis had perceived him) had come across as stand-offish and cold.
Larry Fishburne
When Tavis was finished, LF's response was "Sorry that that was your reaction...but I'm shy man!".
He then talked quite a bit about his reserved nature and about how, offscreen, he's definitely not the "in your face" type movie-goers pay to see shooting things up and slapping people around on film. The gist of his explanation was "It takes me a while to warm up to people. All people. If I don't know you, it's impossible for me to meet you with the same level of enthusiasm that you're coming at me with." With that, he hit the nail directly on the head.
Granted, no one pays to see me on the big screen, but this is an appearance-based society and people do make assumptions based on what they take in. I'm not the meek librarian with the bun, fuzzy sweater, pointy nose, and no sense of humor, but I am quiet/reserved (shy?) and, because of that, people often wrongly make the assumption that I'm either cold/aloof/tiara-wearing-princess-number-one or a living, breathing doormat without an opinion or care in the world.
The reality? I'm just not the person that can meet someone for the first time at 9:00 and, by 9:02, wind up in animated, intimate conversation. Some people can do it. I can't. Wanna see somebody put down her drink, excuse herself real fast, and make a beeline for the door? Just get real intimate conversationally or too physically huggy-touchy too soon.
From my perspective, people have forgotten how to have
long-winding/meaningful/thought-provoking conversations (mainly because their range of topics is fairly limited)--even if you're ready to weigh in with all the memorized pieces of "Jeopardy" trivia, book banter, and all of the articles in that day's New York Times that you've crammed into your brain, if you don't drink, drug, sleep with a new partner every night, or if you don't talk Hollywood's drinking, drugging, and bed-hopping scene better than Mary Hart and, therefore, have no salacious, vice-related stories to add to the mix, you're the odd man out in the realm of "filler chat"...and rendered invisible.
If someone hits on a topic that I'm passionate about, or if I'm interacting with someone I really care about, I can appear to be extroversion's poster child. But when that moment's over...that moment's over.
Until they've peeled back the layers, or pushed the right buttons and hit the anger switch, to those that go strictly on outward appearances, I'll forever be cold/aloof/tiara-wearing-princess-number-one or a doormat.
But that group, and its assumptions, hold no sway.
Those that genuinely care will make the effort (on their own) to see beyond the surface: I'm through with the "Mary for Dummies" instructions.
Needless to say, like Mara and La Toya, I also fall outside of the cultural norm. In my opinion, that's not a bad thing.
Mary (INFJ)
9-28-2005
Dear Nancy,
I am african, aged 22 and very highly introverted. According to online tests i am about 90% introverted and i am in a family of extroverts. Africans are sociable people and frown very much on introverted behaviour which very few know about. I am highly intelligent and creative but socialization and interaction are often quite difficult for me. However i am an individual with a very good sense of humour,i can be very funny and witty but when my introvert tendencies kick in they kick in big time. Because of this i have a very limited social life with virtually no close interaction wiht the opposite sex. At the age of 22 i feel ashamed to admit that most 16 year olds know more about everyday activites than i do e.g.working for pay. This my introverted nature has brought me into some conflict with my noisy, attention seeking, and flippant elder extrovert sister,mother and elder brother who view me as dark and brooding and too bookish, and serious. They are very quick to forget times i share jokes and witty talk with them once i start to display my introverted nature. Nancy, please give me some advice.
Yours sincerely, Uche
9.09.2005
Excerpt from CHICAGO TRIBUNE article ... black CEOs likely to be socially competent introverts ??
"David A. Thomas, a professor of business administration at Harvard Business School, has studied the special challenges faced by black executives and what it takes for them to succeed. He has authored a book on the subject, "Breaking Through: The Making of Minority Executives in Corporate America."
"`Socially competent introverts'
"One of his findings is that blacks who reach the ranks of senior management tend to be what Thomas calls "socially competent introverts."
"These are people who "know how to engage people and be likable, but their personalities are not effusive," he said. This makes them great support players but may hold them back from bold moves or statements that could distinguish them for their vision and leadership.
"Their introverted nature keeps them from playing into the stereotypes of their more extroverted peers.
"Extroverts tend to think out loud, which means they risk saying things that may sound dumb. That style works against blacks because it reinforces some people's low expectations about their intelligence, Thomas said.
"'With African-American males, there's often a question of `How smart are they?'' he said.
"For many black executives, the key is to be perceived as authoritative without being seen as aggressive, said Porter, who runs the African-American Leadership Institute, a workshop at UCLA that helps black executives avoid organizational pitfalls.
"In addition, black executives need to cultivate networks of people inside the organization who will tell them what's going on behind the scenes and offer them constructive criticism about their performance...."
8.19.2005
Yeah, I get that, too. But it is harder for Africans and West Indians than it is for African Americans because in those cultures they really emphasize togetherness and community and "happiness" _ I heard that in one of the African languages, I am not sure which, there is no word for "alone". I still get looked at by my fellow blacks here [in the UK] as strange though, but West indians don't get me at all.
Hi Nancy,
Mara and I have a lot in common (It's La Toya - INFJ). My inclinations toward classical and latin music has long puzzled my African American brothers and sisters. My love of the classics (I'm reading Dr. Zhivago and will soon tackle Dosteyevsky) brings stares and puzzled looks. The worst however, is the number of people who say I'm selfish and self centered because I need a lot of alone time to recharge. Despite my many attempts to enlighten, it often falls on deaf ears.
Hope you are well.
La Toya
6.20.2005
I identify very much with Ayn Rand. Loved the Fountainhead. It made so much sense. She is perhaps a bit extreme, a trifle callous, but I understand, because I am that way, too. I have a very low tolerance for human foibles, and am often impatient with the structures and
beliefs that people take comfort from.
I don't remember exactly when I first took an MBTI test, but I have known for probably 7 years that I am an INTJ. It made perfect sense. I am a profound INTJ, and even when I was very young I understood that I had an unusual and difficult personality type, and that while it caused problems, it was no flaw. Thank goodness for that INTJ clearheadedness. It is a
gift.
My life as an INTJ has been complicated somewhat by my abusive childhood. My family consists of coarse, aggressive people whose first instinct when threatened is to resort to bullying behavior. Besides the preexisting dysfunction there was the inevitable conflict and misunderstanding between the sensitive, bookish kid (me) and the obnoxious jock types (all of them). Their attitude towards me has been, by turns, bullying, mocking, or pitying, depending on how powerful they were feeling at the time, but there has never been any egree of understanding or respect. Because I was INTJ I was able to understand and dismiss them, but with the result that I grew into a distrustful and contemptuous adult, which, added to all the usual INTJ traits...well, let's just say I'm no social butterfly. But like so many others here I find it less taxing to let poorly suited friendships die than to put up with people who are always wondering what's wrong with me.
One particular problem I have had...because I was hurt so much as a child, I have a horror of hurting other people's feelings, and I tend to hide my dislike of other people with a mask of friendliness which is a little too convincing; I tend to attract people I don't like. I then have to go through a painful process of disengaging. People are often surprised and hurt by my willingness to abruptly end relationships, relationships they were having but I was only pretending to have. I have learned as I get older that that is much less fair and less kind than simply being honestly unfriendly at the start. So for those of you that have had problems because you can't force the small talk...you're doing fine. Trust me, there's no payoff. The cost of pretending is much greater
than the cost of being who you are. Let it be.
I've also experienced some minor annoyances because I am black and African, and my personality places me outside of what people consider to be a cultural norm; white and black people alike are thrown off-balance by my tastes in books and music, my love of science, my hatred of hip-hop, my cold objectivism. They all irritate me with their lack of imagination. There is so much preconditioned thinking to be overcome.
I find it sad that INTJs are so uncommon, and we can expect to be mistrusted and misunderstood our whole lives. That said, I wouldn't want to be any different. It's a lonely type, ut the intellectual clarity seems to me such a powerful and priceless gift. It has seen me through so much, and it certainly rescued me (to a degree) from my childhood. It also offers me access to my unfulfilled potential, because I have stayed free of the conditioned expecations that hamstring so many of my peers by the time they're in their mid-thirties. I think that INTJs are best served by the company of others like them, not exclusively, but enough to prevent the social alienation that can easily occur when everybody around you is an irritant. I am in the process of making some life changes that I expect will make my social life easier. The future looks good; do not allow yourself to be boxed in by others' perceptions. Chances are, yours are closer to the truth.
