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BILL SLUIS' STORY
BILL begins his story like this.
Neither of my parent talked much, and having been the fourth child in four years, I didn't get much attention. I read a lot and had a few friends,
usually one or two at a time. I was often told to "wake up" or "look alive" or "smile", because my emotions were kept inside. I still
am told that. Smiling makes my face tired and so do people with painted
on smiles. I went to a religious private school, where it was more
difficult to find friends because I didn't go to school with kids from my
neighborhood. Many of them were also elitists. I spent time by myself
riding my bike. My time by myself seemed to increase as I got older. I
would be with people, but rarely participate in conversations. I managed
to get married via a blind date, otherwise I suspect I would still be
single. I never had the confidence to ask for the first date. After
leaving a wedding reception early and waiting in my car for my wife, my
father informed me I should "get some help". I was always told I was so
quiet, prefering to have conversations in my mind that were at least
interesting and potentially productive.
My father had is own business collecting garbage and I was expected to
follow. I worked for him for several years until he fired me for not communicating enough. Making money was sort of an unspoken expectation.
I just didn't have the desire to make lots of money, but I tried. At 28,
with two children, one less than a year old, I decided there must be more
to life than making money. I decided to go to college, despite the
behind-the-back ridicule, particularly from my parents. They thought it
was a dumb idea.
I went at night and on saturdays, besides a 50-hour-a
week job. I got to learn so many interesting things, including meeting
people with different lifestyles. After two years of part-time school, I
injured my back at work so that I would never be able to do that job
again. I then went to school full time. It was a large university and I
rarely talked to anyone. I was great at reading and listening. I never
took any notes, just went to class and listened, and read textbooks. One
of my professors encouraged me to go to graduate school.
Ten years after
starting college I had a PhD. in Ecology. I love to watch plants grow.
My efforts go mostly to tallgrass prairie restoration. I had managed to
get jobs in my field thoughout college and shortly after graduating was
accepted as a professor at a private university.
I thought I had finally achieved something and could continue until I retired. I was wrong. It was a relatively small university and I had to adjust my teaching style to fit. That took a few years, but I was good
at listening to my students. I had to learn how they learned because I
had found learning easy. I was great at talking about environmental
science because I have a passion for protecting nature and I really
wanted my students to learn about what I thought was important for them.
However, the department head told me he didn't think I could be a good
teacher because of my personality. He and the soon-to-be new department
head were extreme extroverts. One would stop students in the hall just
to chat and once said you could always talk to male students, just bring
up sports. The other would talk to herself outloud while walking down
the hall. After a few years I got a reputation among students as a good
teacher and was anonymously selected by one of my student to be in "Who's
who among America's Teachers" and proved the department head wrong. I
also received perfect course evaluations from students. Unfortunately,
that didn't matter. I was shocked when I received a letter stating my
contract would not be renewed. Everyone up the chain of command refused to give me a reason, including vice president of academic affairs. Research was scoffed at, but I loved to think and write. I have a few
publications in scientific journals. There were just too many mindless
dinners and social events that I was expected to attend. I abhored the
small talk. I had two choices: attend and not say much or not attend.
Both alternatives sealed my fate in the biology department.
It was then that I thought I had a "problem" and would never find a good
job that I could keep, because they all involved people, most of them
extroverted. The satisfaction of teaching was unexpected and I miss
helping students, especially when they come up at the end of the semester, shake my hand and say they learned a lot or that I was a great
teacher. Helping people and making enough money is much better than
making a lot of money and constantly trying to get money from people,
either employees or customers. I had tried a few business ventures, but
felt bad when I acted that way and got out, even when making money.
After my teaching job, working only for money seems very meaningless. It
also helps to know how much money is enough. I am amazed at how many
people are obsessed with society's idea of success and the willingness to
be mean if not downright cruel all for the sake of money.
I found this and other sites about personality types and introverts. I learned I am an INTP. I learned that being an introvert is normal. I
can think and concentrate better than most people. I am in a small
minority of the population. Much of this is obvious now that I am 44 and
it is very unfettering. I now don't try so hard to say something or fit
in, I try to be more true to myself. I just think a lot and say something when I feel I have something worthwhile saying, but only if I
think the others around will care. That eliminates a large percentage of
talk. Long ago I coined a phrase to myself; I don't get "stressed out",
I get "peopled out" after being with extroverts for very long. Thinking
people are more important than money is not a common attitude, making me
left out of many conversations that I consider a waste of time anyways.
I find most people, particularly males, obsessed with competition and
being or deserving the best. I have never felt this way, which further
limits what I say. I would rather cooperate and be compassionate than
try to conquer or defeat. If I said what I really thought, most people
would feel insulted or consider me very strange. This results in me
speaking even less than I used to, which apparently makes extroverts
uncomfortable. I am considering going to even fewer "obligatory" social
functions such as family birthday parties. With the size of my family,
these occur every month or two. I increasingly take a book with to read,
but I know this offends some people as being rude.
I have a new job, which I haven't decided if I want to keep. I work for
a company that mostly creates new wetlands when other ones are filled for
development. I miss teaching, but the pay is adequate and my boss
realized quickly that I was quiet and thoughtful, and still thinks I have
much to contribute to the company. I sometimes get to work outside by
myself, which I value highly, but I miss having enough time to do
research. I get to plant and manage prairies, but most are in
subdivisions, so I have to be sure they look like what most people think
of as nice, but too manicured for my taste. There is also always the
impetus to make a profit. When I was teaching, I also worked for a
non-profit firm during the summer. I now appreciate not needing to
always make a profit, but work just for society's benefit. Now, I also
sometimes have to look the other way regarding the protection of
wetlands, which upsets me. I still track academic positions, but am
afraid I will have the same experience as my previous teaching position,
so I have yet to apply for any.
While I am now truer to myself, my wife is not always understanding, nut I
have shared some things I have learned and she no longer thinks of me as
needing help. I showed her an article that stated introverts need to be
alone at least half of each day to be healthy. I upset her at first, but
evenually accepted it. She is more extroverted than I am but not
extremely so. I also have more of a passion for defending children and
teenagers who appear to me to be introverted. When I hear them being
criticized for not being more social or having more friends, I defend
them by saying they may prefer it that way or they can be successful
without being extroverted, although I continually find this to be
difficult. My daughter is also a lot like me. I often forward articles
to her that I find about being introverted or just I accept her for the
way she is.
