Let
me ask you a question. Are you ashamed that your child is
an introvert?
An
honest answer to this question is a positive step toward
improving your relationship with your introverted child,
now and forever. How can you support your child in finding
his or her place in this world if you are secretly disappointed
that they aren't something they can never be ... the life
of the party!
If
you apologize for the fact that your child is introverted,
even to yourself, you are not alone. Until very recently,
introversion was looked at quite negatively. These are some
of the qualities people have historically associated with
the word introvert: shy, withdrawn, intense, anti-social,
backward, reclusive, depressed and even mentally ill. More
recently -- nerd, looser and geek.
It's
time for a new look at introversion. It may come as a surprise
to you that introverts are a legitimate personality type.
Introverts comprise between 10-30% of the population. The
problem is that their self image is defined almost exclusively
by that other 70% (or more) extroverts who don't understand
them and think they are wrong because they are different.
This
is like saying a woman is wrong because she is not like
a man. We have outgrown this rigid thinking in many areas
of our culture, but the area of introversion and extroversion
is one of the last frontiers.
As
the parent of an introverted child, I hope you will join
in the crusade to make sure that these children grow up
with an accurate understanding of themselves and a positive
sense of self. You can begin the process of building your
introverted child's self esteem by learning more about introverts.
Let's
look at some of the important characteristics of introverts,
especially during the school years.
Introverts
are territorial. They require peace, quiet and time alone
in order to recharge their batteries. Your child needs a
room with a door that closes!
Introverts
give energy when they are interacting with others. This
means that all those popular, outgoing extroverts take energy
from introverts like your child when they are together in
groups. Introverts can become drained during a normal school
day that requires a good deal of social interaction. They
get no personal rewards for this and are often so tired
at the end of the day, they want to go to their room with
the door shut! Please let them.
Introverts
hate small talk. They learn by thinking things over, connecting
the dots, reading and writing. Class participation is utterly
meaningless to an introvert and an irritant. So is "group
work". Nowadays teachers are more aware of children's
different learning styles, but if the teacher is behind
the times, at least you are there to commiserate with your
introverted child when too much class participation is required.
Introverts
need time to prepare and are especially mortified at public
embarrassment. This means that you will want to "rehearse"
your introverted child for major "public appearances"
such as family weddings or holiday gatherings where they
are required to shake hands and interact with adults. Think
of a few appropriate phrases and help your child to rehearse
them. This works like a charm!
Introverts
have a few very close friends. They aren't interested in
joining clubs, learning to dance, getting on the pep squad
or other activities which they consider superficial and
a waste of time. Please don't send your introverted child
out to play with the other kids. Let them go to their room
and shut the door!
The
good news is that the percentage of introverts increases
as you go up the intellectual scale. There are usually more
introverts in college, among Phi Beta Kappa students and
recipients of Rhodes Scholar awards than their 30% distribution
in the population as a whole.
It's
important to understand as well how damaging it is for you
and other relatives to covertly expect your introverted
child to "turn into" an extrovert. This puts an
impossible burden on an introverted child and does much
to destroy their sense of self worth.
Introversion
is a legitimate personality type. Your child couldn't change
even they wanted to and many an introverted child has been
crushed under this expectation. Instead, learn the positive
attributes of introverts and then help your child to learn
them as well.
Introverts
can focus and concentrate. They are able to tune out distractions.
They listen beautifully and remember well.
Introverts
have a rich inner world and need not be lonely. Many are
content to read for hours and should be allowed, even encouraged,
to do so.
Some
famous introverts can be used to point out to your child
that success is not related to introversion or extroversion
but to hard work, learning, preparation and personal achievement.
Famous introverts such as Michael Jordan, Queen Elizabeth
II, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Warren Buffett and
Steven Spielberg prove that introverts make contributions
to the world we live in far greater proportion than their
numbers.
Speaking
of famous introverts, Hans Christian Andersen is an introvert
who wrote a story all introverted children should read.
There are few who will not relate emotionally to "The
Ugly Duckling". Read this story to your child!
There
is another thing you can help your introverted child with
and that is to acquire enough of a "personality"
that they can cope in social situations. A "personality"
in this sense is a set of social behaviors that allows them
to cope with the minimum societal expectations.
But
never expect them to be someting they are not. The great
analyst Carl Jung makes it very clear that the way for introverts
to win is to become more consciously introverted rather
than to try and be something they are not. Every spiritual
teaching in the world would agree ... find yourself and
be yourself. Your introverted child can do this with your
help!
