WHAT NANCY'S READERS SAY:
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9.22.2007
Just returned from a church service this morning which was exactly what you talk about. I did feel very uncomfortable.
I go once a week and do feel it is an opportunity for companionship.
They do have a band, mike and video. Its OK so long as i dont have to use it.
Yes they do acknowledge visitors. They invite you to own up. I would rather keep quiet.
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9.16.2007
FROM MARIUS THE PASTOR
Every thing is fine with me.
Well, we do hug at our chruch, before the
meeting. NOt the strangers - it's usually
the older women who hug each other and me! GUess
it's their chance of hugging this young,
handsome pastor ;)
I go to church once a week and do not see it as an opportunity for companionship.
Band, video screen? No. But we'd like to have them. The PA system is coming soon.
We indentify and greet visitors who are in some way related to the church (like relatives of church members). Otherwise, we greet them before or after the service.
i am actually an introvert - but I open up after I've known people for some time. And of course, I have to come out of my shell anyway, I'm the pastor!
[Nancy's Note: Mariud! We aren't in a shell that we need to come out of. Don't you get it yet? We are introverts. That's what we are. We don't need to change!!
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9.15.2007
I normally do not do hug or greet those I do not know; unless I sense that they need it. I am not upset or uncomfortable with hugging from those I do not know; but I am irritated when it is not genuine. No room for fakery in church.
We have and I'm ok with band, live music, video scree, warm handshakes, microphone, audience participation, applause, coffee hour and sermon.
Hugging by those who do not know you. This is perfectly ok if it is genuine; irritating if it is not.
I goonce a week and I do see it as an opportunity for companionship.
Band, video scree, etc." The more the better. Prefer free-style contemporary and hebrew music used in praise and worship services; including movement and dancing. Like a mix of various tempos to the praise and worship.
I have seen visitors introduced to the congregation a lot. I dislike it. I a few greeting teams in church is the better way to go; or wait till after services, or during small group gatherings to introduce people. I like the idea of people "cycling" from one small group to another, so that everyone can get to know each other in a small intimate setting ( works nicely in any size congregation.)
I intensely dislike small children and babies in church during quiet times such as prayer times, and sermon times ( during singing it is not so bad. ) Parents simply do not discipline their children adequately to enable them to remain with the adults; they are happier in children's church in any case.
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9. 15. 2007
yes, i have been hugged when forced to during"sharing the peace"; I would try to get to church after it was finished. It seems fake to me. I can see greeting people in the pew when you come in, but I get tired of the people who are running all over the place to make sure they are the last ones back to their seats.
I go to church: once a mont and do not see it as an opportunity for companionship.
We do have a band, PA system and mic. Way too loud.
Visitors are not forced to stand up and be recognized, but are welcomed.
I have quit going to our church because of the noise, the way the sanctuary is set up, the lighting, the new video screen and the sharing the peace time. It's all just too overwhelming.
[Nancy's Note: AMEN to that!]
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9.01.2007
The church I now attend does not have band, video, etc! They have a choir every now and then, but nothing really organized.
Visitors can choose to stand and be identified if they so wish, but it is made clear that they do not have to, and they are in no way made to feel bad for wanting to just remain seated. It's amazing! I'm like a permanent visitor at my church at home because I am away so much of the year at university, thus I have never bothered formally joining. I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to, I go there to hear the excellent sermons, it gives me such a great sense of peace. It's quiet, thoughtful, no noise, no clutter...wonderful.
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9.01.2007
I’ve never initiated hugs at church, but other people seem compelled somehow. I go to church once a year and do not see it as an opportunity for companionship. Band, video, loud music, any of the above would have me out of there quicker than a greased pig.
At the end of the service, visitors are invited to introduce themselves with a couple words if they like. This works all right.
don’t mind children and babies, though children leave 1/2way through and babies that cry get carried out promptly. I don’t mind a quiet coffee hour where folks can talk afterwards if they like
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8.22.2007
I have never hugged a stranger unless he/she initiated the hug and was extremely outgoing and genuine in the action. I am only a moderate introvert, so it wasn’t an aweful expierence, but I didn’;t feel exactly comfortable with it. As an INFJ and Jesus being the center of my life, I naturally felt that I should give and show as much love as possible because not only is that what I am called to do but because I want to. However, I would much rather have established a connection and identified who the “stranger” was about before physical contact, but I will never reject a hug, even if it was unwanted. Why be selfish and risk potenially harming another person just because they misunderstood that a hug might have the opposite effect than intended. Everyone just wants to be loved. Hopefully, as we mature we can better assess how said person best recieves love.
They have a band, live music, video screen, microphone, children, coffee hour and sermon.
I go once a week and I do see it as an opportunity for companionship.
I don’t mind this additions because I feel as though they actaully help in focusing the service and limiting distractions. I like being able to hear the sermon well (louder than the people’s movements beside me. Then again my church has the option of two services. One traditional and one contemperary. Even though the traditional appeals to my introverted side with its many readings and quiet, the contemerary service stikes a cord with me as well because I seem to be able to better connect with the worship on a stronger personal level. I enjoy the band.
The only time visitors are identified is if they are relatives of one of the main leaders in the church, such as the vicar’s (apprentice pastor)parents, who are from out of town and already have a church. Normal visitors are not singled out publicly, but we have special discreet greeters who look out for newcomers and try to make a connection, usually in the form of a polite sincere conversation, with very little physical touch that is not initiated by the visitor. I feel that this is a good approach because (following with this discussion) usually the extroverts will sometimes put themselves out there for conversation, in which he will find many willing partners, and the introverts don’t feel threatened and bombarded by the onslaught of the spotlight and excess attention. The visitors should feel like their presence was noted and that someone cared that they were their. They were of value enough to get to know. Hugs are definitely acceptable once a relationship has been formed where one knows whether or not they will permit hugs. As an INFJ I always know without fail if someone likes hugs or not. I at least try to respect their personal boundries when I detect them.
t is hard when a person is so obvlivious to another’s desire to have personal space. When the hugs are sincere they are fine, but when they are forced I feel violated. When faced with the dilemma of whether or not to say or reject of hug, the only sound advice that I go by is the standard... what did Jesus do? He did not turn away someone that wanted to touch him, but gave more of himself out of love. and sometimes doing that doesn’t come naturally to us
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8,11,2007
There was a "greeting time" in which visitors and members alike had to greet others with lots of physical contact. I'm in my early twenties and have subsequently left churches like these (as soon as I could drive myself).
My church has a choir, live music, enthusiastic verbal greeting , coffee hour, and it's pretty quiet.visitors+can+remain+unnoticed: yes
My dad was a minister in Southern Pentecostal churches. I was always hugged, squeezed and forced to embrace everyone physically. This made me uncomfortable. I'm a highly introspective introvert and this frequently tired me physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I go once a week and also see it as an opportunity for companionship. It's a contemporary service. But the musical part of the service is not long and overwhelming. I actually enjoy it.
Church elders and members quietly come up to you and thank you for coming. There is no uncomfortable physical contact of embarrassing visitor introductions in front of the church congregation.
AJ
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7.26.2007
I only hugged other when "instructed" to and I didn't like it. I used to attend a church where at some point during each service, we were asked to get up and shake hands or hug the people to either side. I was very uncomfortable with this.
I used to go once a year. I no longer attend any sort of church.
I have never liked the "social" aspect of church. I left Christianity about ten years because it just didn't fit me. I now consider myself Buddhist though I don't have a daily practice. Buddhism is something I can embrace as "solitary realizer"; which is a relief to me.
hermit.loner email
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7.15.2007
Yes, I've been hugged at church. This does not bother me! I like it! I go once a week.
Hugs, audience participation, chillldren and babies are all ok.
I love hugs. I just don't like that church happens in crowds
A band is fine for most people. Personally, I just don't like being in such a crowded, high stimulus environment.
They do not recognize visitors at my church in a formal way, and I think most people appreciate that...as long as we are keeping our eyes open for new people to PERSONALLY make welcome.
I was a youth pastor's wife for 12 years! I love and admire my huband, but it was extremely hard. We did not know at the time about the whole intro/extro thing, and if we had understood that, I think it would have been easier going.
Karen, email
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11.18.2006 Lois
Have you ever hugged and greeted strangers at church? If so, under what circumstances and what was it like? No hugs. Hand shakes for strangers are ok before or after church. Of course during "the shake" it's hard to get out of it. I like the idea of the person who left to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I just get to church late and hope that "the shake" is over.
What does your church have? A band, no, sometimes a drummer plays during congregational singing. This is fine. A PA system, yes, for the minister to preach. A microphone, yes, for the minister to preach, and within the last year someone got the bright idea that the congregation could no longer sing with just a piano and/or organ, now we have to have two people singing into a microphone along with the congregation. It's horrible! I've been going to church all of my life (43 years) and for 42 of those years I didn't need someone singing louder than everybody else into a microphone. I've voiced my opinion to the worship committee about it but they hold their own oppinions in higher regard than others. So now we're stuck with every single song having two voices overpowering the voices to the rest of the congregation.
Have you had any experiences in the past that could compare to the comments in the article? If so, what? Yes! It's refreshing to find that there are other people in the world that feel the same way I do. I thought that I was just being a sourpuss for not wanting to shake hands during church. I dislike it for a number of reasons. First, it seems awkward to go to a church service, sit down, start the service and then have this strange interruption where everyone stands up, turns around, shakes hands (some people have to run up and down the aisle), then sit down and the service continues.
Secondly, some people shake hands too hard! On numerous occasions I've had my fingers crunched. Then I'm mad all during church because my hand hurts. Sometimes my hand continues to hurt throughout the week. I told one guy at our church, "I'm not shaking your hand any more because you squeeze too hard." I think I hurt his feelings and then I felt bad about that for about a year.
Thirdly, peoples hands are contaminated and it would be inconvenient for everyone to wash their hands after "the shake". I've considered using that antibacterial hand sanitizer. One time there was a little girl in front of me with green snot running out of her nose. Her uncle took a handkerchief out of his pocket, wiped her nose, stuck it back into his pocket and then the minister announced "the handshake". Yuck!!!! When he turned around to shake my hand, I tried to turn around and shake hands with the person behind me and ignore the snot wiper, but he was persistent and to avoid being rude, I had to shake his hand. [Nancy's comment: too gross for words!]
How often do you go to church? once a week
Do you see church as an opportunity for companionship? yes
What would you like to have in your church? choir, band, live music, video screen, enthusiastic verbal greeting, audience participation, applause, children, visitors can remain unnoticed, coffee hour, quiet and sermon
What about visitors? There are greeters at the entrance who can identify and greet new visitors appropriately. We also have a book at the end of each row of chairs that everyone is suppose to sign during offering and it has a place to mark if you are a visitor. This seems to work fine. I don't know if anyone follows up on contacting visitors.
Any other comments? When did congregations become audiences? Shouldn't every member of the congregation be involved in worship.
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10.15.2006 Casper
Have you had any experiences in the past that could compare to the comments in the article? If so, what? Yes. At my church, there's a handshaking session at the beginning. Everybody's supposed to turn to the people nearest them and greet them. I can see the point - to make visitors feel welcome. But I can't stand it. I go to church to recharge, not be social. ;) Instead, I'll use the restroom - it's always empty during meet/greet anyway.
On average, how often do you go to church? once a week
Do you look at church as an opportunity for companionship? once a week
Have you ever hugged and greeted strangers at church? If so, under what circumstances and what was it like? Not if I can help it. If it does have to take place, I keep it super-brief. 'Hi, good to meet you', then back to my book.
Does your church have a band, PA system, microphone ir the like? What do you think of this? We have all of these. I have no problem with any of them - they enhance the service well.
Does your church identify and feature visitors? What is your opinion of the way this is handled? How do you think it should be handled? We're asked to fill out a card and put it in the offering plate. I like this - it's optionnal and discreet.
Which of these things would you like to have at church? Choose as many as you like. choir, live music, video screen, microphone, let visitors remain unnoticed, coffee hour, quiet, sermon
Other comments: I'm not into the warm greetings that other churches are into. However, I realize that some people do need to be greeted in order to feel accepted. The meet/greet can also provide a sense of community. So rather than making a stink out of it, I just adjust. I do, however, hate the hand-holding we do at the end of the service. That invades my space big-time! I just duck out before it happens.
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10.15.2005
Have you had any experiences in the past that could compare to the comments in the article? If so, what? I've avoided churches for a great deal of my life because of the fact that all
of the churches I ever get invited to, or end up visiting are so loud and
somewhat vilolating that I'm not encouraged to go again. I always felt kind of
bad about it - I'd really like spirituality, and I think I'd enjoy going to
church if it wasn't such a drain. I enjoy my anonymity, but whenever I went to a
church, it was all about who you were, and what you were there for, and I felt
like all they wanted was for me to put my soul on the table and wheel it around
for all to see. There was no privacy - it almost felt like in that movie, Dogma,
with Buddy Christ. I actually felt kind of dirty afterward. Lately, I've been
thinking about trying to go again, but I'm afraid of another bad experience.
Eek!
On average, how often do you go to church? once a year
Do you look at church as an opportunity for companionship? once a year
Have you ever hugged and greeted strangers at church? If so, under what circumstances and what was it like? Yes, at the end and at the beginning. It was very awkward - I didn't know anyone
- and I just wished that I could sit down and just finish the ceremony. I almost
got up and left.
Does your church have a band, PA system, microphone ir the like? What do you think of this? Yes, the one I went to had several screens and a house band. It reminded me of a
bar.
Does your church identify and feature visitors? What is your opinion of the way this is handled? How do you think it should be handled? Yes, it's almost like you're on the spotlight - everyone tries to hug you and
meet you and greet you and feed you and - bleh. Personally, I think that that
should be reserved to a later time for people who enjoy that kind of stuff - and
leave church time to praising God.
Which of these things would you like to have at church? Choose as many as you like. quiet, sermon, choir, let visitors go unnoticed
Other comments:I hope that all of the churches don't bow out and become this way.
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9.25.2004 "Now turn around and greet someone" has been the most dreaded part of
church service for me. That, and listening to our extrovert preacher
imply that we're not really walking the Christian walk unless we get out
and meet strangers face to face, spreading the gospel. No other form of
outreach is hailed as acceptable. There has been no mention of
contacting others through the written word.
Now having said all that, I have to say extroverts don't have it all
wrong. They're reaching out in the way that they know, and the way that
they would want others to reach out to them. And that's what introverts
want as well. So, finding the right church is part of the answer. But
that semi-polarization doesn't help introverts and extroverts understand
one another.
Extroverted and introverted preachers and members alike
need to be a little less self-righteous and to include some of the
advantages of both personality types in their messages, whether spoken
or written. That's one reason I'm staying with this church. Just being
there and being my quiet self and accepting the way things are, in a
peaceful and thankful way, is one contribution that I think is not so
much consciously noticed, but instead sends a powerful subconscious
message to others. And part of that message is that all introverts are
not being quiet due to any sort of ugly feelings being harbored
underneath the surface.
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9.28.2004
Have you had any experiences in the past that could compare to the comments in the article? If so, what? N/A
On average, how often do you go to church? once a month
Do you look at church as an opportunity for companionship? once a week
Have you ever hugged and greeted strangers at church?
If so, under what circumstances and what was it like? Handshakes, and only because I wanted to blend in & not seem rude.
Does your church have a band, PA system, microphone ir the like? What do you think of this? It used to have all the works but then the music leader left and we were left
with just the pastor's guitar. I preferred the downsizing though everyone else saw it as a loss.
Does your church identify and feature visitors?
What is your opinion of the way this is handled?
How do you think it should be handled?
visitors can remain unnoticed,
Which of these things would you like to have at church? Choose as many as you like.
quiet, sermon,
choir, live music, children, babies
© nancy
r. fenn
