TAROPA WROTE:
I have a very good friend who is an introvert. We have been friends for 6 years and I have to work so hard to communicate with him because of the way that he needs the information. As an E/I (middle of the road between extrovert and introvert) on Myers-Briggs, I have some of the same issues but because I am a therapist, I think I have learned how to express myself more clearly and I am not afraid to talk about my feelings. I sometimes wonder if he would be happier if I would shut up.
When we get on a roll talking, he has no trouble telling me how he feels but it has to be in his time. I ask him to lunch all the time, he never asks me. He always goes with me though so I think he is enjoying the time together. We have a lot of the same interests and talk forever about those subjects. When it gets to intimacy (non-sexual) it is like pulling teeth. Are there books about introversion for people like me to read to understand how I can talk with him more easily? Can you shed some light on this? Thanks.
NANCY REPLIED:
I'd be glad to comment on this. I know of no books but it makes me think I will write one. I have some eBooks available right now on a variety of subjects though not on this particular topic.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
Believe me, communication is a sore point with introverts :-) We have been accused our entire lives long of being noncommunicative: why don't you speak up? why don't you say more? what's wrong, cat got your tongue? why don't you TALK TO ME?!?!?!? can't you tell me what you're thinking? if you don't learn to speak up noone will ever take you seriously! ....... sometimes people just ignore us :-)
One infp writes that she wanted to be a doctor when she grew up. She was a quiet girl and her mother got mad at her one day and told her she'd never be a doctor because she couldn't talk to people. It really scarred her and she let it ruin her hopes and dreams of a great profession. She went on to a PhD in biology but when it came to the oral exams, she wasn't able to speak! She had to settle for two Master's Degrees. Now, in middle age, she has healed and is going for a PhD in psychology.
So, just the fact that you aren't badgering him to speak could be a dream come true. You can't imagine what a relief it is not to have that pressure on us.
Another infj told me she had just begun dating a wonderful guy when her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He had been out of town for a few weeks. He couldn't figure out why she wasn't responding to his calls "properly" and she said she simply could not find the words to tell him what was going on. "I was glad to hear from him again but I had to tell him about my mother and I couldn't," she said. "All my words fell down like to the bottom of a well and sat there. I could not for the life of me retrieve a single word to tell him how hard this was for me, what I was going through. I really couldn't even utter a SOUND. The whole thing was beyond me. I guess this is where some ability with small talk would have helped me. How do you tell someone what it's like, someone you hardly know.... I know people take it right in stride when a parent dies, but I'm an infp and I'm very deep. I bond with everyone and to let them go is difficult for me, impossible. How could I put any of this into words. This is years later and I'm writing about it, not speaking. So anyway, I was silent and he interpreted it as indifference ,I guess. I did not hear from him again. I was so sad. It was a double loss. I was just so grief stricken over my mother's condition, the way she was dying and the particular time at which this happened to her when her dreams of a new life were just beginning. She had even dreamed of a nest of bluebirds [i.e., of happiness] all getting smashed and falling out of the nest. How could I put any of this into a sentence or two and move the conversation along? I nursed my mother until her death about a year later."
Another introvert, Sydney, writes, " My ex-husband was an introvert like me, and he seemed to understand. When I became silent and drew into myself he would just come and get me and hold me in his arms. He was wonderful that way, so patient. I think only another introvert could understand."
These introverts are typical of the scars some of us have about trying to communicate with others on their terms. It is a touchy area for us.
WE SAY MORE IN LESS WORDS
When we get around to saying something on matters less significant than Oral exams for a PhD and the death of a mother, we generally say more in less words than anyone. However, it's nice if it's left up to us to decide when we have something we think is significant to say. We almost to a one HATE small talk.
WE ARE ANYTHING FROM BEWILDERED TO HYSTERICALLY VEXED AND ANNOYED TO DISTRACTION BY SMALL TALK
Small talk makes no sense to us. We are anything from bewildered to hysterically vexed and annoyed to distraction by small talk. If we become good at it to fit in, it is very exhausting for us and we resent having to pay that price to the majority culture. [Visit PRODUCTS PAGE to purchase buttons and bumper stickers advocating NO SMALL TALK.]
IT WORKS FOR US WHEN YOU DO THE TALKING AND WE DO THE LISTENING
So, as an infp introvert myself, and one who is on the borderline "e" and "i", I can assure you it is usually very wonderful when being with an extrovert that you do so much of the talking. We introverts are superb listeners and it is a very active thing for us. That's why we find it exhausting to be with people. We are very actively engaged in the process of listening. It is important to grasp this difference. When you're talking, we aren't preparing out next witty remark to impress you or hear ourselves talk. We are following your words carefully to get the meaning of your commnication and we will ask you amazing questions and weave a tapestry with you -- real dialogue is possible between an introvert and an extrovert as it sometimes is not between two extroverts or two introverts.
Most of us are aware that we are very good at listening. Some of us have been told this all our lives, too. Margot writes, "When I first starting dating, I was told I was 'such a good listener'. I thought it was because my mother, the Southern Belle, told ne to let the guy do all the talking but as it so happened, this was a talent of mine anyway. It made me a very popular date."
And so we enjoy doing it, listening. We know it gives pleasure to others and we are more aware than you can imagine of how much extroverts love to talk. We don't understand this need of yours but we are either indulgent of it or at the effect of it, so we are very aware of it.
INTROVERTS ARE ARTFUL DODGERS
For these reasons, I wouldn't feel too bad about the balance, or about asking him to lunch. You can be reasonably sure he would do neither if he didn't want to. Introverts are quiet but not shy and we have little hesitation to turn down invitations that are a waste of time. When we get among ourselves, we often talk about this -- we compare notes with humor on techniques for ducking people, phone calls, invitations, parties, answering machines, living in out of the way places, etc. It's a big topic and we are kind of proud at how good we get at it. It's an art.
If he's going out to lunch with you frequently, consider yourself "IN".
THIS MAY BE A MALE/FEMALE ISSUE INSTEAD
As for the intimacy thing, I don't know too many men who dive into it, do you? I am also an astrologer and intuitive consultant and I wish I had $100 for every woman who has posed this same question to me. I think it is a universal male/female issue. There have been many books written on this subject such as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I find the intuitive approach works better for me.
I like to take the man's side for a moment and say, why not assume if he's there talking, he's interested and cares? We women have a way of thinking the whole relationship world revolves around us, our needs, our viewpoint and our sometimes very rigid ideas about what a relationship is.
Take another look at your need to hear these things -- there are many other ways to receive this information and perhaps you could develop this ability in yourself ... to sense, intuit, globally "feel" etc., his willingness to be in your presence which says he cares. Perhaps it is a matter of having confidence in yourself.
What I sense in your writing is that he's happy and comfortable until you pressure him for "more" and you are not happy and comfortable because you want more. If the real question is how can you move this from friendship to romance, that's another thing entirely.
Do you know what type he is? If so, I will send you something specific along the romance lines, the appropriate page from my dating introverts book.
Here is a useful list of relationship demands from men that you might find helpful in repolarizing your viewpoint. When young, the demand for women is so much stronger than the demand for men women sometimes get the attitude they rule. As we age and the ratio reverses, you may have to learn more diplomacy in negotiating relationship needs.
Let's give men a chance and assume (ha!) that they have a 50% right to have the relationship their way. I realize this may be shocking to some women and that is my intention.
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His and Hers
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is
fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Nancy R. Fenn
