Lesson Five

introversion isn't shyness

This week let's get clear about the difference between shyness, social anxiety and introversion. We will also look at emotional intensity in gifted introverts. This has nothing to do with touchy/feely. Nothing whatsoever to do with touchy feely. And last but not least, relationship needs, compatibility and dating. I have some resources to help broaden your understanding of these topics and I know it's going to be a great week, so let's get started.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHYNESS AND INTROVERSION?

Many times people use the words introversion and shyness interchangeably. This is inaccurate. These words are not synonyms. Introverts enjoy their solitude and are usually very happy by themselves, especially if there wasn't someone in their environment when they were growing up who tried to make them feel like there was something wrong with them because they enjoyed time alone.

Shy people, on the other hand, may desperately want to be closer to other people but are afraid and miserable, not knowing how. Obviously, this is not introversion. I have heard from many introverts who are miserable and desperate to be left alone but never because they were alone! I think that "shy" people are extroverts who have behavioral issues. After you complete this lesson, I will ask you for your opinions.

Here's a quiz you can take to assess your shyness level. It will only take a few moments and also help you establish some of the issues surrounding shyness.

take the shyness quiz

How can I tell if I'm shy?

Here's a quiz to gauge your level of shyness. Shy people have difficulty in the following situations, many of which are common to introversion, however these same situations may not bother introverts much, or at all.

This is not a psychological or psychiatrical inventory, but it will help us define what is commonly considered "shyness". I guess at the end of each question, for us introverts, I would add, "and does this bother you?"

1. Have you ever completely lost your ability to speak in a tense situation? [and does this bother you, etc.]

2. Is it hard for you to think of things to say to new people?

3. Is it hard for you to carry on a conversation?

4. Do you have trouble receiving a compliment?

5. Are you nervous around people you don't know?

6. Do you avoid parties when possible because you end up sitting by yourself?

7. Do people think of you as too serious, cold, standoffish or aloof?

8. Do you ever feel "out of it" in a group or lonely in a crowd?

9. Do you forget important things you were going to say?

10. Do you feel "fake" when you act outgoing and peppy?

11. Do you have trouble ending a conversation?

12. Do you ever think afterwards of what it was you should have said?

13. Do you feel stiff and awkward with other people?

14. Have people or siblings picked on you in the past?

15. Do you have trouble remembering names?

The more of these you say "yes" to indicates your degree of shyness. But remember, as introverts we have to add the qualifying statement at the end ... "and do you care"? or "does this bother you"? or "would you ever do this anyway"? or "have you ever conceived of this as a goal"?

In other words, the way to differentiate shyness from introversion is whether or not you even think these are issues. Most introverts avoid social situations as a lifestyle and are perfectly happy to limit their interactions with others to periods of necessity. They don't necessarily want to be known as the life of the party. Think of such successful introverts as Peter the Great, Albert Einstein and Steven Spielberg.

You may also want to try these quizzes and assessments: GENOME SHYNESS QUIZ and BECOMING SUCCESSFULLY SHY. I am not advocating trying to change your behavior.Far from it. As you know, the way to win is to become more consciously introverts, not try to be something you are not. I am referring you to these sites so you can further differentiate shyness from introversion. If someone ELSE has made shyness an issue in your life, learning more about it will enable you to educate the other person (even retrospectively) and to defend yourself rationally or to heal your inner child from the damages of misinformation from a misguided adult at an earlier time in your life.

NOW LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE BEHAVIORAL COMPONENTS OF SHYNESS so we can differentiate it clearly from introversion. The biggest difference is that introverts usually don't mind being reclusive and enjoying their solitude where "shy" people are deeply troubled by it. Over and over, I've gotten mail from introverts who say they could care less what others think ... it doesn't bother them to eat alone, go to movies alone, travel alone ... in fact they prefer and love it.

anxiety or lack of self-confidence around other people;

difficulty thinking of things to say in conversation;

lack of knowledge of expected modes of behavior for various social situations;

absence of outgoing mannerisms such as good eye contact, an easy smile, a relaxed posture, and so forth [beware, these are value loaded descriptions];

willpower, drink or drugs used to forced social interaction; failing those, there can be self recrimination;

sometimes the fear of interacting with others is so strong, it is almost like a phobia.

it's not social anxiety either

Many people mistake social anxiety for introversion. The two terms are not the same. Social anxiety is based on fear of some kind of social danger such as embarrassment, judgment and rejection. This is not a fear of introverts, who normally are not concerned what others think about them. Introverts are deeply embarrassed and humiliated if they "fail" in public (such as being called to the board to demonstate something they don't know) but they are not likely to blame themselves and not likely to repeat the experience in the near future. For most introverts, it is not upsetting to be "rejected" because in a sense they have already rejected the extroverted majority themselves anyway. Introverts can be self sufficient, strong in self assurance and are not easily led, although others may mistake their quietness for tractability.

Extroverted significant others, parents and teachers of introverts may think the introvert has a problem but the introvert him or herself does not experience himself (herself) as having a "problem". Often they may feel "different" and experience life as more difficult as a result of being introverted (many who write to me feel that it is more difficult for them to get a good job because they will not network), but this issue is not a "social" one. Let's look more closely at social anxiety so we can differentiate.

The main items used to describe those who have social anxiety are: fearful of being assertive, fear of speaking in front of groups or talking to attractive strangers. When they are feeling socially anxious, extroverts often behave in an avoidant or withdrawn manner which many people misinterpret as meaning they are introverts.

Healthy people are capable of, and often engage in, both extroverted and introverted activities since each has its advantages. Extroverted behavior comes in handy for meeting people and developing support networks but introverted behavior is more effective for intimacy. In either case the extrovert or introverts is using a persona or "act" to accomplish the goal. It is not possible, or desireable, to change one's basic personality.

CLICK HERE to read comments by real life introverts on the topics of shyness, self consciousness, making friends and social anxiety.

When people complain of social anxiety, the "common events" are listed below. Would you agree with me that most of these are not triggers for introverts? In most cases, I think you will find that we don't engage in this behavior and don't care to. Therefore, it is not an aversion but a preference.

Being clear about the differences between social anxiety, a disorder and a discomfort to those who complain of it, and introversion, a legitimate personality style, is important for clarity about Self and also for self esteem issues. It may be that social anxiety is a characteristic of extroverts who have difficulties being extroverts. In most cases, we introverts don't want to do the things that are described here or they are things that any person feels anxiety about because it is human nature (such as asking someone out on a date). The first group of items are things I feel all people are somewhat hesitant about, with rare exceptions. These things are also considered a cause for social anxiety.

speaking in front of a group [many introverts can do just fine in front of a group if they have time to prepare]

being approached by an attractive stranger and trying to talk to them

asking someone out on a date

going out on a first date

first time physical intimacy

performing in front of others (speech, dance, musical instrument, drama)

coming out [gay, lesbian, bi]

 

Those with social anxiety also feel stressed in situations like these which are not stressful for most introverts.

eating alone

eating in front of others

writing in front of someone else

asserting yourself

going somewhere alone: movie, restaurant, sports event

 

 

The only items common to those with social anxiety and introverts are these:

dislike of networking or mingling with total strangers; and

phone calls (depending on who initiates them and whether they involve friends or strangers) [who do you know that really enjoys cold calls?]

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES ON SOCIAL ANXIETY:

Here is a website that can be helpful for further differentiating among gays, lesbians and bi's as to whether they are introverts or suffering from social anxiety SOCIAL ANXIETY HELP FOR GAYS, LESBIANS AND BI'S

This course doesn't presume to make an in-depth exploration of social anxiety but to point out the differences between social anxiety, which is experienced as a serious problem by those who complain of it, and introversion, which is a legitimate personality type.

it's not schizophrenia either

Our understanding of mental illness is changing all the time as discoveries and advances are made is psychology, physiology and psychiatry. Many introverts have written me that they feel they are schizophrenic or that someone has labeled them schizophrenic.

Dr. Albert Siebert is a PhD researcher who is doing remarkable work in this area. I recommend his book, SURVIVOR PERSONALITY, and will refer you to two articles on this topic as well: SCHIZOPHRENIC, INTROVERTED OR GIFTED SURVIVOR PERSONALITY?, based on Dr. Al Siebert's article SUCCESSFUL SCHIZOPHRENIA; and this article from LIFETIMEINFO.com which I reprint here in its entirety. It is a short but important article in setting out the boundaries between introversion and schizophrenia.

Schizoid Personality Disorder or Introvert? QUESTION: Please contrast the difference between one with Schizoid Personality Disorder and an introvert. My marriage counselor (who previously acknowledged that I was an introvert) took a shot at diagnosing me last session, concluding that I was probably schizoid, for not being able to simultaneously handle the debt mess that we are in and maintain loving relations with my wife (who hasn't worked for the last 18 months till just now.) I said we should separate, I could live cheap, so that I could just focus on working without distraction. - KAB, Scottsdale, USA ANSWER FROM NANCY R. FENN Dear KAB in Scottsdale, I don’t know what definition of schizoid personality disorder your marriage counselor is using, but this is a common definition, the “four or more” definition. A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following: neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family allmost always chooses solitary activities has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person takes pleasure in few, if any, activities lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity I sympathize with your situation. I think what concerns me most as an advocate for introverts is this. The definitions of mental health, like many other things in our society, are controlled by the 70% majority who are extroverts. One wonders how people who have so little ability for self reflection can understand the rich inner world of the introvert. A common misperception is the difference in the way personality types react to stress, even extreme stress such as financial and marital problems. When extroverts are under stress, they react by “acting out”. They may become aggressive, verbally abusive, smoke, drink or fight. They may seek confrontation in order to get the energy they crave from others and to avoid the thing they fear most which is to be alone. While this behavior is obnoxious and can even be life threatening, it is not considered “mentally ill”. When introverts are under extreme stress, such as marital or financial difficulties, they withdraw to conserve energy. In their rich inner world, they can restore balance and find the inspiration they need to creatively approach the problems in their life from a new perspective. I feel this is what you’re doing but only you can know this. In intuitive counseling, we do not look to others for a definition of self, we look within. We do not believe that God or any other authority spoke once and it was written in a reference book to be consulted thereafter. We believe that God speaks to each of us every moment of our lives, and differently to each of us. We do not permit others to define us. It also sounds like you are being ganged up on. I suppose if you asked for another counselor, that would be considered negative on some basis. As further clarification, there are 8 different kinds of introverts. I don’t know which type you are but you can easily find out by visiting www.keirsey.com and taking the quick, free online personality test. Many introverts see themselves as very close to this definition of schizoid but without judgment (i.e., it doesn’t upset them; they find it accurate). One INTP type recently made this comment in a forum, “I have been reading with interest the descriptions of schizoid personalities. I am an INTP using the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator, and it appears to me that schizoid personality is nothing more than a strong INTP (Introverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving). We are only one percent of the population, and from childhood through old age exhibit almost all of the traits attributed to schizoid personalities. What amazes me is that not once did I see a reference to INTP personality type in these writings. The similarities are so close that it is impossible to make a distinction, if there is one.” [Nancy's note: Please remember this is just one person's opinion.] As an intuitive counselor, I invite you to take the opportunity of this crisis in your life to learn more about yourself from within. Getting the support you need as an introvert is an important step in that direction. Please visit my website www.theintrovertzcoach.com for more resources, articles of interest and positive look at life from the inside out! My personal opinion without detailed knowledge of your situation is that your reaction is perfectly normal for an introvert under the circumstances you describe. Nancy R. Fenn, the IntrovertZCoach

 

is it our culture?

America is an extroverted culture but maybe not as much as people pretend to be. I think our culture damages people by making them want to become more and more extroverted. The stress of trying to be something you're not is killer stress and may be one of the reasons depression is so high at this time in our country.

Let's just say America has a culture that values the qualities of introversion very highly. Americans are extroverted to the degree that they can be quite annoying and seem rude to Europeans, Orientals and other cultures that are more introverted. How did we get this way?

I believe it is because of the type of personality it took to pioneer and settle frontiers. The original people who colonized North America (not the indigenous peoples) had to be predominantly adventurous action-takers. Otherwise they never would have left their original country, be it England, Germany, and other European countries. There were two reasons for the predominance of the extroverted risk taker . #1 They had to leave another country and come over here, enduring hardship but motivated by dreams of a better life, and #2 Once they got here, they had to fight to hack out an existence, often conquering the land itself or native peoples in order to begin making a living. Perhaps the opportunities promised to the "common man" in America also gave each man the need to assert himself in a way that was not traditionally possible in countries that had two classes: the established aristocracies which did not need to assert themselves (their class did that for them) and peasants, serfs, slaves, etc., for whom no amount of assertion would make any difference. The rising middle class in Europe, entrepreneurs, were exactly the group who would leave to colonize the Americas as well. For those who were brought to America against their will, issues of assertion became legal issues in a number of years.

If the great mainstream of North American yearns to be extroverted, where are introverts likely to be in the majority? There are some activities which will naturally draw a predominance of introverts. Of course I highly recommend becoming involved in these activities. Your chances of feeling at home and of finding familiar ways of doing things is greatly increased.

Many events centered around animals such as livestock and breeding for farm animals as well as pet shows, dog grooming and training and animal shelters

Reading or book discussion clubs

Classical concerts and opera

Lectures

College and graduate school campuses

Many types of travel and outdoor activities, such as nature hikes, bird watching, motorcycle riding, snowboarding, SCUBA diving and other noncompetitive activities

Enjoyment of history and visiting places of historical interest

 

The predominance of introverts among the more intelligent and better educated almost makes it imperative that you gift yourself with an education and awareness of culture in order to find yourself among people with whom you have things naturally in common. For example, at classical concerts and operas, it is customary to be very quiet, arrive on time, interact very little with others and keep your thoughts to yourself during the performance.

Travel is a such a dear love to most introverts, and particularly the long ocean voyage with plenty of time to stare at the sea and stars and even to read a good book on deck, I don't know when it happened that we allowed noisy carnival atmosphere cruise ships to take over this aspect of travel. I have been on cruises where it was not possible to find a quiet place to read. The library was used for the cigar club meetings at night, so it was unhealthy. During the day, belly flop contestants, gamblers and drinkers spilled out onto every deck and at night carousing couples spoiled the starry starry night. (Watching the globe of the heavens from a ship is an experience to die for but not with noisy drunk people cheering you on.) Furthermore, we should insist on our right to travel alone without penalized charges. When you book your next trip, at least kick up your heels a little bit over the "couples only" regular price and the penalty to the single traveler. Hopefully, we will raise some consciousness.

is it depression?

When extroverts are stressed, they "act out". This means they may swear, drink, drive recklessly, fight, smoke or do drugs. Although this behavior is obnoxious and may even be life threatening, it is not considered mentally ill. When introverts become stressed, they withdraw into their own inner world in order to charge their batteries. Since "our" mental health has been defined for about a century now by extroverts, who are in the majority and do not understand this behavior -- for if they were to do it, it would indicate a serious mental health issue since most would rather die than be alone for a moment -- we are labeled "depressed". This is incorrect. Under stress we reduce stimuli, get alone and stay that way until our batteries are charged up again.

You may wish to form your own opinion about books like Listening to Prozac which have proposed to "cure" introversion by this wonder drug and others such as Paxil, which is the only drug licensed in the United States for treating social phobia. Introversion is not mental illness and does not need to be drugged or cured. Instead raise your own consciousness and that of those around you.

Listening to Prozac by Peter D. Kramer, M.D.
review by Leland M. Heller, M. D. in
Mental Health Books Today Bookstore.

"Dr. Kramer is a mainstream psychiatrist who has noticed the remarkable effects Prozac has had on many, many patients. Not just in treating depression and related problems, but in changing the actual personality. Things like irritability, self confidence, and happiness change. Prozac is the first medication that people describe themselves as normal while taking it, and "not themselves" when off it. He discusses whether changes like this are good, and uses analogies regarding club foot and other disorders to consider whether "cosmetic psychopharmacology" is a good or bad treatment. The reader can expect three insights from this book: 1) how mainstream psychiatry views these issues, particularly personality changes from medication, 2) how Prozac has made a difference for the people who use and need it, and 3) whether treatment of inherited personality traits that cause unhappiness is justified and rational. It's not an entertaining book, but it's a useful book for individuals who want to find out more about Prozac, personality, and the mental health profession)." - Leland M. Heller, M.D.

Peter Kramer has written for The New York Times Magazine and Book Review, The Washington Post Book Review, The Washington Post, the (London) Times, the (London) Times Literary Supplement and U.S. News & World Report, among other publications. He lives in Providence, Rhode Island, where he is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University.

"Prozac seemed to give social confidence to the habitually timid, to make the sensitive brash, to lend the introvert the social skills of a salesman [emphasis mine]," Dr. Peter D. Kramer wrote in his 1993 book Listening to Prozac,one of several best sellers on the drug.... It has now been replaced in popularity by Zoloft.

Lend the introvert the social skills of a salesman? There are several things wrong with this statement. There is nothing inherently wrong with introverts' social skills in the first place. And, secondarily, introverts can make fine salespeople just the way they are. To be a good salesperson requires good listening skills, an excellent understanding of the product, and the ability to develop a relationship of integrity with a client. Introverts excel at all three of these qualities. Some of the best salespeople in the world are introverts. Dr. Kramer is referring to the extroverts' misguided idea that "hype" is good salesmanship. It is not. And last, but very much not least, who on earth is it that defines the social skills of a salesperson as the desireable standard for human beings?

I believe that the basic goal in therapy for social anxiety -- whether using cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication -- is to help extroverts and introverts alike feel more self-confident and interact more assertively. I believe it is both impossible and unethical to try to change those who are temperamentally introverts into extroverts ... or vice versa. Such efforts are not only bound to fail, but they tend to reinforce negative self images on the part of both introverts and extroverts.

we love our solitude

On the contrary, instead of dissatisfaction about social conditions, which most introverts do not experience, here are some books and resources that help us identify and develop our natural love for time alone, solitude, reflection, travel and nature.

A book that can help you understand and establish the boundaries of loving solitude is, The Call of Solitude : Alonetime In A World Of Attachment by Ester Schaler Buchholz. This is what the review by Library Journal says, explaining that the book is better in its conception and desire than in its execution. Nevertheless, it could be considered one of a kind. I have seen babies forced and crowded into extroverted behavior. A particularly unfortunate incident involved an introverted baby who had a health crisis at 4 months old and was kept in intensive care for over six weeks. Her extremely extroverted mother brought in noisy tapes and made constant noise, also bringing in as many friends and relatives as possible, believing that this would invite the child back into the world, whereas for an introverted baby, quiet is absolutely essential for healing.

How wonderful it is to understand the need of all human creatures to at some time be alone and to extend this gift to the tiniest of us humans. Babies and children who are allowed alonetime are centered and in harmony with themselves. My daughter woke slowly and happily. I always allowed her at least 1/2 hour alone in her crib as she awakened, while she chirped to herself, played with her toes and rolled around in her crib exploring her inner space and keeping herself company. When she finally began to notice she was "alone", I came and got her, before she cried.

If you don't have time to read the book, read these descriptions. It will give you the idea.

The Library Journal on The Call of Solitude: "A psychoanalyst, clinical psychologist, and professor, Buchholz has written a comprehensive study of human solitude or, as she calls it, "alonetime." She feels that today's culture overvalues attachment and neglects the importance of time alone. Using case studies, stories, poetry, and other sources, Buchholz shows how alonetime has always been important and that the lack of it in today's frenzied US culture increases stress and depression....

From Kirkus Reviews: A wide-ranging study of solitude, presenting it as a basic human need, one as necessary to psychic health and creativity as the social interactions emphasized by psychology's many ``attachment'' theorists. Buchholz, who directs New York University's Master's Program in the Psychology of Parenthood, wants to ``unshackle aloneness from its negative position as kith and kin to loneliness. Remove it from battles with bonding, attachment, and relationships. Make its message part of the social norm! Then uplift it from its lonely place on the mental health shelf.'' She succeeds admirably by examining the role of ``alonetime'' (a neologism she feels is needed, given the negative connotations many social scientists assign to ``solitude'') in everything from anthropological studies of other cultures to embryology, from pediatric medicine and child psychology to existentialist philosophy. Included are some fascinating observations on individuals who manage to survive, and even to thrive, during periods of extreme solitude, from the experiences of autistic children to those of hostages who have endured long periods of being blindfolded and isolated. She laments many of her patients' inability to grow inwardly by fostering their self-reflective and imaginative lives. ... And while she properly warns of contemporary Americans' growing addiction to E-mail, computer culture in general, and other forms of external stimuli, she carries it to a neo-Luddite extreme in claiming that ``we are paying the price for the current frenetic demands in today's culture through being unwittingly led by technology into stupors....'' -- Copyright ©1997, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

Card catalog description: Dr. Ester Schaler Buchholz has written a book that gives us permission to have the peace and quiet we long for, and asserts the startling idea that "alonetime" is an essential developmental and biological need for both children and adults, for both creative personalities and just regular people. Alonetime is as necessary to create healthy relationships as the "quality time" together so many recommend. It gives us self-knowledge and the ability to control our bodies and even our lives. Drawing on biology, anthropology, philosophy, literature, and psychoanalysis, Buchholz reveals the depth and significance of this need and how different cultures have honored or denied it. A brief history of psychological and psychoanalytic theory traces how those disciplines have helped create a modern society in which relationships are all-important. However, groundbreaking research on babies in the womb demonstrates that they initiate alonetime and have a capacity for self-reliance. Case studies from the author's practice show how individuals, from childhood on, benefit from spending time alone. The book reveals that it is often a lack of solitude, not an abundance, that causes dependencies and disorders - sleeplessness, depression, drug use, alcoholism, and sometimes abusive relationships can result when we cannot find guilt-free alonetime. The Internet is examined as a way to find that elusive state. But are virtual reality and the glow of the computer screen places to lose ourselves or poor substitutes for real solitude? As we move into the twenty-first century and technology affects how we play, work, and communicate, what will imagination and genius look like? How will our inner lives change - and will we have them at all? The Call of Solitude provides us not with prescriptions or answers, but with the illuminating knowledge that alonetime and attachment are complementary, not mutually exclusive.

Book Description: Achieving inner calm while feeling centered is a human goal that is never easy to master. But why of late do serenity and peace of mind seem further from reach than ever before? The world appears very busy, and finding moments to catch up with ourselves looks to be almost impossible. Something has occurred to change life's circumstances, to make peaceful, restorative time terribly elusive.

Alonetime is a great protector of the self and the human spirit. Many in society have railed against it. Some have overused its healing potential. Others have kept it as a special resource both knowingly and unknowingly. ... (Yet) the only way we shall achieve ... ideal love is if we are allowed to flower in the due course and pace of our inner life. Whether or not we were fortunate in our growing up to blossom this way, plenty of time -- alone-times -- awaits us now to make the necessary readjustments.

Obviously, we introverts have a lot to say to people who are over crowded and who do not value alonetime. Let the comfort and peace of our lives be an inspiration to others and not something we feel we have to apologize for. When you say you are an introvert, say it proudly. And don't hesitate to elaborate on "what that means".

MORE RESOURCES FOR ENJOYING SOLITUDE

Here is a list of special books of interest to introverts, on the topics of solitude and alonetime: LISTMANIA

I use the LISTMANIA format on amazon.com for your convenience. If you see something you like, you can click right through to a purchase like I do.

This is a book by one of the foremost researchers of shyness, Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo. Readers claim that it is outmoded. It was written in 1979, but it is still a classic for shyness. Remember, however, that shyness is not introversion. Shyness is a behavioral issue, introversion is a personality type which cannot be changed. You may be interested in a getting a copy of this book at amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com

This workbook gets fantastic reviews from readers. It is for shyness, not introversion.

are we intense or what?

Intensity, to me, is one of the keynotes or signatures of introversion. I know as a woman, I can always spot an introverted man because of his intensity, which I find extremely attractive. It correlates positively with intelligence, just like introversion does.

Some movie stars who often have roles where they exhibit the intensity of the introvert are: Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep, Robert de Niro, Paul Newman, Keanu Reeves and Angelina Jolie.

This article on intensity and introversion/giftedness (70% of the gifted or more are introverts) is quoted in its entirety with the express permission of the author, Linda Kreger Silberman, PhD, whose Gifted Development Center is celebrating its 25th anniversary in 2004. Congratulations! And, I might add, well ahead of the times.

"The gifted are by nature emotionally sensitive. In our studies at the Gifted Development Center, we have found that this characteristic appears in the first few years of life and remains with the individual throughout life. In several separate studies, sensitivity was the most frequently mentioned characteristic by parents when they were asked to describe the personalities of their children (Silverman, 1983). Here are some examples from our parent questionnaires.

"J (age 4) is a very sensitive person. He gets his feelings hurt easily and doesn’t like to hurt others’ feelings.

"C (age 6) is a very intense little girl. When she’s happy everyone around her radiates happiness. When she’s miserable, her surroundings are tense and uneasy. She is extremely sensitive and has high expectations of herself.

"A (age 7 ½) is extremely perceptive and tuned in to people and their feelings.

"M (age 3 yrs. 9 mo.) is a very loving and compassionate child. He cannot stand to hear a baby crying. He puts his hands over his ears if he hears anything too loud or too violent. His feelings are hurt in an instant. He is concerned about the welfare of others; very giving.

"Dabrowski’s Theory, which I mentioned in my last column, provides a theoretical framework for understanding the sensitivity of gifted individuals. It is one facet of the "emotional overexcitability" which is the innate equipment of this population (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977). As the foundation for compassion, sensitivity is a positive trait. Its opposite is "insensitivity," which is certainly not a goal for our children. The development of higher level humanitarian values in adult life depends upon this characteristic in childhood. Therefore, we need to provide environments in which emotional sensitivity can be nurtured and supported.

"Every gifted child needs a safe place to cry. The home, the gifted class, the counselor’s office, the principal’s office, should all be havens where gifted children can express the depth of their feelings. Boys learn early in life that it is dangerous to show their emotions on the playground or in the regular classroom. If they bury or deny their feelings, their intellects will grow while their emotional development remains stunted. Bright children can adopt different codes of behavior in different situations, and, as long as there is an outlet for emotional expression somewhere in their lives, they can learn to differentiate where it is safe from where it is not.

"Special classes for the gifted may be needed more for children’s emotional development than for their cognitive development. Here, the children can find others with similar sensitivities and values. Discipline is often less of a problem in these classes because the students can verbalize their feelings and use their reasoning skills to solve problems rather than resort to aggression. Many gifted children abhor violence in any form – even slapstick cartoons.

"Sensitivity is a precious commodity. If it is abused, it can lead to a warped and distorted personality that lashes out in pain. If it is allowed to develop fully, it results in altruism and a desire to be of service to humanity. Let us guard the sensitivity of our gifted children."

REFERENCES

Dabrowski, K., & Piechowski, M.M. (1977). Theory of levels of emotional development (2 vols.) Oceanside, NY: Dabor Science.

Silverman, L.K. (1983). Personality development: The pursuit of excellence. Journal for the Education of the Gifted, 6(1), 5-19.

Linda Silverman, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and Director of the Gifted Development Center in Denver, Colorado.

 

The rivers are as clear as a shedded tear.
A little boy cries
A big man tries
To wipe away his tears.
- Andrea Mancini –

Age 8

relationships and dating

Let's warm up with some reading lists specially prepared for you by Nancy R. Fenn, The IntrovertZCoach. I use the amazon.com LISTMANIA approach so you can easily click through and buy the book if you're interested. It saves time and introverts love to "shop" on the internet. We have the time we need to browse, compare and contrast, and privacy to make our decisions and choices. Most introverts really dislike the intervention of salespeople and complain about this vividly on forums.

Nancy R. Fenn, The IntrovertZCoach

RESOURCES ABOUT DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS - These book and movie lists are meant to be used as inspiration on how introverts get what they want in this world. It is always proper in life to let oneself be inspired by other human beings who have "gone before" and who have achieved things we wish to achieve in a manner which is possible for us as well.

If you would like to expand on your information about relationships and dating, there is a two-week extension course which will cover this topic specifically. You may also order the eBook DATING TIPS FOR INTROVERTS.

LISTMANIA #1 THE INTROVERT IN FICTION: Heroes and heroines in literature.

LISTMANIA #2 BIOGRAPHIES OF FAMOUS INTROVERTS: I personally find nothing more inspiring than the lives of real people. We learn that we are not singled out for adversity and difficulty; nor are we singled out for challenge and opportunity. Read how someone with your Myers-Briggs or Keirsey Type handles life and the kinds of things that life hands them to handle!

LISTMANIA #3 INTROVERTED LOVERS IN GREAT LITERATURE: Various heroes and heroines are described, their personality types and the characteristics of that type in love are described. You can find yourself in here. Browse and enjoy.

LISTMANIA #4 FILMS WITH AN IRRESISTIBLE INTROVERTED APPEAL: There are some fabulous films on this list. Watch them and explore the romantic roles that the introverts play. It will really help you understand the romantic nuance of the introvert.

Next week's lessons has more information about dating and relationships. There is also a two week extension course available online. Email me about this.

 

Would you be interested in more information about the two week extension course on dating and relationships for introverts? yes no Name email

real life

We covered a lot this week. Here are some things to brush up on.

  This week as you go about your daily life, check to see if the social anxiety or shyness triggers are there or if you are a true introvert, they will not be there.

   This week, choose to be who you are. Eat alone proudly. Write a letter in public. Graciously turn down an invitation to a party! Be proud of who you are. This might be a good week to review the FUNNY LEXICON.

  This week think about some cultures which are predominantly introverted, such as Oriental cultures. There are also "sub cultures" such as MENSA meetings or activities that introverts like (collecting, artistic, reading groups, nature hikes, classical concerts and opera) where the majority of the people present will be introverts. Try to imagine what it would be like to be part of those cultures, where you were accepted as the norm. Is there a way you can bring more of this into your life?

  Click through to the SUPPLEMENTAL PAGE [you haven't seen this one before] and comment on any of the statements by introverts on the page. The topics they cover include shyness, social anxiety, self consciousness and other attributes discussed in this chapter.

  This week, try to get a handle on the concept of emotional intensity. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate yourself on this quality? Were you ever teased for being this way? 

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your own emotional intensity? 1 is none and 10 is a lot. For purposes of this survey, emotional intensity relates to sensitivity to ideas as well as people. For example, if someone attacks your favorite theory or your understanding of a mathematical or metaphysical principle, do you defend it with a ferocity that is hard for them to comprehend? This may also apply to human attachments as well.   1 (none) 2 3 4 5 average minus 6 average plus 7 8 9 10 (most) Name email Please make any other comments you would like to make about your emotional intensity. More is better. The box expands as you write in it.

 

     For enrichment information, please feel free to visit www.theintrovertzcoach.com.