Daring to be Dave

 

I couldn't agree more with your statement, Nancy, about the importance of finding an introvert therapist, and I'd even go further, and say "an introvert therapist who feels GOOD about being an introvert therapist". I have the sense that many of the folks in the emotional health field see "balance" between introversion and extraversion, as being real health. What hogwash. I wonder how many introvert therapists are in touch with themselves enough to realize their yearning to be more extraverted? It's just hard to stand against society in this way, I don't care WHO you are. How many introverts in America feel really, really GOOD about their introversion? I think not many. And that's very sad. :(

 

 

  "Let me entertain you!" NOT

 

Like you say, extroverts want your energy. They want to say something, and based on that get some kind of reaction from you that can range from simple attention to cart wheels.... I have learned a lot from just observing at work recently. My stance these days is this. If you want me to expend energy, then be willing to engage with me and at least explore making something lovely. If you want to command me to do something and then just walk away while you party hearty, then buzz off. Either it is worth the investment or not. Don't play me. That goes for men and women although women get a break. ;o)

  Tiny Tim

 

Hi Nancy

 

Just want to say hi and let you know how iam getting along.

your advice has helped me alot, since becoming aware of my intution and myself as it were i am communicating more and more and the best part is iam meeting heaps of women(whoo hoo) and i can feel them warm to me and what i have to say, its awesome.

the weirdest pasrt is that people have been more keen to talk to me, i put it down to my approach and the general vibe i put out. i still feel iam at an early stage but i am eager to meet more and more interesting people.

another aspect is when communicating with people be it in social areas or business, i find i can read what kind of people they are and talk to them appropriately which is great and so far its been all benefical.

some people are harder to read than others and some are just plain assholes pardon my french, who get just what they deserve in a very intellectual and self respecting myself way.

The biggest discovery is that iam not so much lerning these things as so much remembering them. In short the knowledge is there it is just believing it and using it

thanks nancy - off to a job interview now.

hear from you soon

 

 

 

 

  AK in the UK

 

On a personal note, lots of what you have said about introversion has resonated with me. The problems associated with it, I have identified with and it has given me solace to hear your responses and that it is ok to feel the way I do. That maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. This must be what a lot of people get from your work and it is amazingly valuable. I commend you for your work and insights.

 

My challenge is this. I think that I may experience these feelings not because I am an introvert but because of conditioned fears. I am a Gemini and great with people (others have commented!). I really come alive when talking to people one on one and I am witty and conversational in groups (although it gets uncomfortable). When I have had a few drinks I really love to be at parties and be around lots of people, but not comfortable until I have had those drinks! Could I be an extrovert with fears rather than an introvert? If so, rather than going with the introvert game plan, shouldn't I be dealing with those fears? Or am I an introvert and should be respecting that is just the way it is and implementing your game plan? The thought is that if I do the latter and I am really an extrovert with fears then I will be merely running or covering them up and limiting my life rather than dealing with them.

My comment to AK in the UK was ... if you have to get drunk to do it, it's not you!

 

 

 

  Smart at Work

 

At work, there were two team leaders just hired. Everyone kept asking me if I was ready for the promotion. The fact of the matter is: I didn't apply for either position ($60,000.00/yr). I used to think I wanted a job like that. But, frankly, I've come to realize that I was attempting to satisfy the image that others had of me and expected of me and I wasn't satisfying myself. And, frankly, I don't think I am suited to the job of team leader. I am more suited to a specialty that doesn't require me to manage others - lead yes, manage no. Things like production and machines must be managed. But not people. If I were an extrovert, I would smoke, and drink, and play, and substance abuse, and get promoted and catch sexually transmitted diseases along with the rest of the crowd.

 

But I am an introvert -- and if I want to smoke, and drink, and play it will be due to the virtue of the fact. I've tried the extrovert route. Obviously, it doesn't work form me. I'm satisfied just being me verses pretending to be happy with a lifestyle and job I never wanted - pleasing and putting out silly office fires that coworkers love to start with each other. If I had it to do all over again, provided I could take my brain and experience with me, I would enjoy returning to school to learn a profession, skill or trade that didn't require me to communicate at a ridiculously catty casual social level and deal with petty conflicts in relationships and between coworkers (team leader - bah and hum bug to that). I believe the personality tests I took said I was suited to accounting, soldiering, teaching, and a few other careers. But commissioned sales and supervisory was definitely not on my match list. I couldn't see this and I didn't understand this when I was younger. Presently, it is as plain as day to me - prima fascia....

 

 

 

  Rita Right

I think you have a point w/the introverts & the integrity thing. I know I've been told that people don't think of discussing confidential issues around me because they're pretty sure I won't repeat them.

I've been w/my company a little over 6 years and been promoted 3 times without asking for a promotion. With each promotion, a number of people sent me e-mails saying, "About time." I don't recall playing a political game; I just did what I felt was right.

There are people out there who recognize good work. Not eveyone does, & it's those people that can make life frustrating.

 

 

 

 

  Legal Advice

 

What if you are an Introverted lawyer?

 

Funnily enough, you - more so than an Extrovert - are likely to be more frustrated with a fellow Introvert. The conversational burden is entirely on your shoulders with a person who has no natural motivation to keep the conversation going.

Some solutions:

Bring an Extrovert to court with you. If the judge will allow it, take turns with an attorney whose communication style contrasts with yours.

 

Try to pinpoint the source of your frustration. Is the juror an Introvert like you, or is his quietness akin to hostility?

 

If slow conversation makes you uncomfortable, try not to let it show. Remind yourself that most Introverts need time to think before answering. Maintain certain friendly gestures like active listening, decent but not extreme eye contact, and good follow-up questions.

 

 

  Little Ginny Wren

 

Do you think a book and paper fetish has something to do with introversion? Extroverts get their feedback from live people (although I know that some introverts read a lot). Introverts need connections just as much but in a much slower pace and with more time to reflect and books just fill the bill.

They are like my secret friends, I can spend a delightful time visiting with them whenever I feel like it and I don't have to worry about them being judgemental. If I don't like what they have to say, I can just not read it. I can pick and choose my books completely to my own taste and mood and don't have to worry about how they would react to my thoughts.

 

 

 

 The Duke of Earl

LOL Introverts making decisions with people pressuring them.

Years and years ago, in the middle of a bad depression, I had a psychologist try to pin a label on me. ROFL (obviously he needed alot more schooling and field practise) Anyway, he didn't think that I knew how to make decisions. He was pressuring me to tell him something and I simply had to think it through before answering it. He went through this whole thing about teaching me a brief course on how to make decisions. He asked me to describe to him how to problem solve.

ROFL I said, well let's see. Ah, First you identify the problem. And then you make a list of the pros and cons of all the different angles and solutions to the problem that you can think of. And then you decide the best possible course for yourself.

He said, HAVE YOU HAD THIS BEFORE?? ...ROFL ...a mini course in problem solving?? I SAID, NO!! That's how I solve problems. Just because I didn't spit it out right there and then he ASSUMED that I didn't know what I was doing.

 

  Nasal Nora

I don't really want to be social, but I feel some pressure from my family and society to be social. It seems that I am only going to achieve my goals if I become more social. I really hate socializing. It seems also that society expects people to be more extraverted, that it's bad to be introverted and shy, and because of that I think I need to be one, even though I frankly like being an introvert. I feel guilty for not being "normal" extraverted type. I am experiencing depression and anxiety because of this. I have been getting self-help treatment , (it's not really a therapist but it feels like therapy) that has been helping a bit so far, but I can sense it was designed by extraverts for extraverts.

 

Also, being Latin American I feel like the only shy and introverted Latin American sometimes, even though I know it's not true. The stereotype of Latinos is that they're outgoing, talk a lot, and like to have fun. I'm not like that. And also, English is my second language, and most of the time I don't like to talk because of my accent, and soft nasal voice.

 

 

  The Shadow

 

Strangers seldom bother me when I'm out and about. Two things do the trick: mirrored sunglasses, and walkman headphones. Kind of a virtual "Do Not Disturb" sign.

 

 

 

  Truth about Trauma

I think it's the rare introvert who grows up in extravert-dominated NorthAmerica, who doesn't experience some form of trauma.

 

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