African and African American Introverted Shared Experiences

"Being black and introverted can mean alienation from two cultures. " -- Murimi

6.27.2007 Being a minority within a minority group is difficult...but when that number diminishes to a mere trickle, one wonders if there's anyone who can hear and understand your words. Thank you for your information on introverted African-Americans and African-descent. I saw myself in many stories and many thoughts. Before, apart from one aunt in my family, I thought I was the only one, and I always thought I didn't fit. I grew up in a mostly White neighborhood with few contemporaries, and I slowly learned how to function as an INFJ in an extroverting world. But I still felt out of step in my community and in my family. I didn't "fit" anywhere and I was left with a sense of disquiet and frustration that never truly left.

But thank you for showing me that I wasn't the only one. I'm not "weird" and "clueless." I'm not insane. There are others like me who've stumbled and struggled with introvert issues, and I should be very proud of who I am. I'm not a fish out of water; I'm just me. And that's a good thing to be.

5.30.2007 I've always felt ostracized and misunderstood by those in my community. I live in the Deep South. Due to past history of intense racial discrimination particularly in this region, African-Americans in this region tend to define themselves in limited terms: simply by cultural norms and stereotypes. It was always difficult because from the time I was a baby, my parents said I was different. Now I am a twenty-four year old undergraduate student in French Literature and Culture, minoring in the Social Sciences. I'm about to move overseas for a year and eventually plan to pursue international public policy in graduate studies.

Though I've had a difficult past, I'm contented and excited about the unconventional road that I've taken. I detest mainstream American rap music--though I do enjoy the French rapper MC Solaar and Turkish rapper Ceza. I I am a classical trained pianist who loves opera, Debussy and Latin music. I also am a visual artist who appreciates the beauty of Monet, Van Gogh and Picasso. I adore the literature of Jean Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir and Assia Djebar. I am stimulated by intellectual debate. Though I have many extroverted acquaintances, my best friend is a young African-American intuitive thinking introvert (INTP/INTJ). We've been friends since grade school and I'm thankful to have found someone who understands the struggle of being an iconoclast in a minority community in which our personalities are not so heavily prized. I'm extremely thankful to have her as a friend. I think my family tolerates the fact that I'm an introvert but they don't truly understand me. I'm extremely nice but unless I feel comfortable with someone, I'm reserved. It's nice to see that I am not alone...

-- April, INFJ

12.16.2005 It's really funny you know, I was just surfin the net and out of the blue I'm takin this personality test and to my amazement i scored as INTJ, and when I read what that means, i was like wow..damn..now I know why it was all so weird to me, and why I could neva enjoy small talk, I love learning and exploring new things, but I was always kinda sad that I dont have many friends, and being labeled as a "loner". I dont see my self as some 9-5 type nor I love to go to same place over n over. I think that people mistenkly think that INTJ's are arrogant or shy,but on the other hand INTJ's should try as much as they can to be friendly to others and realise that no matter how much they can learn readin books, theory is nothing without practice, and best way to practice is to communicate, and thus become wiser.

-- Jerome, age 22, email

10.25.2005 I've just read the section on African American introverts and metaphorically dropped to my knees in relief! I'm not American, but from the UK of Caribbean parentage - but the issues are the same (and I always wondered why I really liked Laurence Fishburne soooo much and now I know!).

Although I've read about quirky alones, highly sensitive people and empaths as well as introverts (all part of the same family in my opinion), I've never read anything about the special issues that people of African descent have. And there are special issues. Globally it seems to be that non white cultures (hate the term but can't think of a better one right now) are more community oriented in their approach, rather than individualist. As an introvert I believe a lot in the individual and so the notion of groups, community and group thinking is quite anathema to me.

Also African/Caribbean culture is usually very, very extraverted, so I've always felt out of place there. But then wholesale acceptance into other communities isn't normally forthcoming either. So growing up I felt like neither fish nor fowl. I could identify with some aspects of black culture, but other aspects just left me completely cold. And I was also aware that I liked certain writers, artists, musicians that a lot of black people had just never heard of - I just felt weird.

I understand myself better now and my friends are introverts from (interestingly enough) all backgrounds and cultures. What I've found is that I attract friendships from many different people and am always wanting to see the similarities, rather than the disparities in our cultures for mutual coming together I guess.

Anyway I thank you for this precious resource.

Julie Plenty, Julie Plenty, INFJ

9.29.2005 I was watching Tavis (Smiley) a few nights ago and
Larry Fishburne (LF) was the featured guest. As LF sat and listened, Tavis told the story of how excited he was, years earlier as a starstruck fan, to run into LF at one event or another. He was over-the-top enthusiastic and all souped up for this encounter with someone he really admired but, in the end, he came away from it feeling somewhat disappointed and rejected--underwhelmed, actually--because LF (as Tavis had perceived him) had come across as stand-offish and cold.

When Tavis was finished, LF's response was "Sorry that that was your reaction...but I'm shy man!".

He then talked quite a bit about his reserved nature and about how, offscreen, he's definitely not the "in your face" type movie-goers pay to see shooting things up and slapping people around on film. The gist of his explanation was "It takes me a while to warm up to people. All people. If I don't know you, it's impossible for me to meet you with the same level of enthusiasm that you're coming at me with." With that, he hit the nail directly on the head.

Granted, no one pays to see me on the big screen, but this is an appearance-based society and people do make assumptions based on what they take in. I'm not the meek librarian with the bun, fuzzy sweater, pointy nose, and no sense of humor, but I am quiet/reserved (shy?) and, because of that, people often wrongly make the assumption that I'm either cold/aloof/tiara-wearing-princess-number-one or a living, breathing doormat without an opinion or care in the world.

The reality? I'm just not the person that can meet someone for the first time at 9:00 and, by 9:02, wind up in animated, intimate conversation. Some people can do it. I can't. Wanna see somebody put down her drink, excuse herself real fast, and make a beeline for the door? Just get real intimate conversationally or too physically huggy-touchy too soon.

From my perspective, people have forgotten how to have
long-winding/meaningful/thought-provoking conversations (mainly because their range of topics is fairly limited)--even if you're ready to weigh in with all the memorized pieces of "Jeopardy" trivia, book banter, and all of the articles in that day's New York Times that you've crammed into your brain, if you don't drink, drug, sleep with a new partner every night, or if you don't talk Hollywood's drinking, drugging, and bed-hopping scene better than Mary Hart and, therefore, have no salacious, vice-related stories to add to the mix, you're the odd man out in the realm of "filler chat"...and rendered invisible.

If someone hits on a topic that I'm passionate about, or if I'm interacting with someone I really care about, I can appear to be extroversion's poster child. But when that moment's over...that moment's over.

Until they've peeled back the layers, or pushed the right buttons and hit the anger switch, to those that go strictly on outward appearances, I'll forever be cold/aloof/tiara-wearing-princess-number-one or a doormat.

But that group, and its assumptions, hold no sway.

Those that genuinely care will make the effort (on their own) to see beyond the surface: I'm through with the "Mary for Dummies" instructions.

Needless to say, like Mara and La Toya, I also fall outside of the cultural norm. In my opinion, that's not a bad thing.

Mary (INFJ)

9-28-2005
Dear Nancy,

I am african, aged 22 and very highly introverted. According to online tests i am about 90% introverted and i am in a family of extroverts. Africans are sociable people and frown very much on introverted behaviour which very few know about. I am highly intelligent and creative but socialization and interaction are often quite difficult for me. However i am an individual with a very good sense of humour,i can be very funny and witty but when my introvert tendencies kick in they kick in big time. Because of this i have a very limited social life with virtually no close interaction wiht the opposite sex. At the age of 22 i feel ashamed to admit that most 16 year olds know more about everyday activites than i do e.g.working for pay. This my introverted nature has brought me into some conflict with my noisy, attention seeking, and flippant elder extrovert sister,mother and elder brother who view me as dark and brooding and too bookish, and serious. They are very quick to forget times i share jokes and witty talk with them once i start to display my introverted nature. Nancy, please give me some advice.

Yours sincerely, Uche

"I've also experienced some minor annoyances because I am black and African, and my personality places me outside of what people consider to be a cultural norm; white and black people alike are thrown off-balance by my tastes in books and music, my love of science, my hatred of hip-hop, my cold objectivism. They all irritate me with their lack of imagination. There is so much preconditioned thinking to be overcome."

-- Mara, age 34, INTJ

Hi Nancy,

Mara and I have a lot in common (It's La Toya - INFJ). My inclinations toward classical and latin music has long puzzled my African American brothers and sisters. My love of the classics (I'm reading Dr. Zhivago and will soon tackle Dosteyevsky) brings stares and puzzled looks. The worst however, is the number of people who say I'm selfish and self centered because I need a lot of alone time to recharge. Despite my many attempts to enlighten, it often falls on deaf ears.

Hope you are well.

La Toya

9.09.2005
Excerpt from CHICAGO TRIBUNE article ... black CEOs likely to be socially competent introverts ??

"David A. Thomas, a professor of business administration at Harvard Business School, has studied the special challenges faced by black executives and what it takes for them to succeed. He has authored a book on the subject, "Breaking Through: The Making of Minority Executives in Corporate America."

"`Socially competent introverts'

"One of his findings is that blacks who reach the ranks of senior management tend to be what Thomas calls "socially competent introverts."

"These are people who "know how to engage people and be likable, but their personalities are not effusive," he said. This makes them great support players but may hold them back from bold moves or statements that could distinguish them for their vision and leadership.

"Their introverted nature keeps them from playing into the stereotypes of their more extroverted peers.

"Extroverts tend to think out loud, which means they risk saying things that may sound dumb. That style works against blacks because it reinforces some people's low expectations about their intelligence, Thomas said.

"'With African-American males, there's often a question of `How smart are they?'' he said.

"For many black executives, the key is to be perceived as authoritative without being seen as aggressive, said Porter, who runs the African-American Leadership Institute, a workshop at UCLA that helps black executives avoid organizational pitfalls.

"In addition, black executives need to cultivate networks of people inside the organization who will tell them what's going on behind the scenes and offer them constructive criticism about their performance...."

8.19.2005
Yeah, I get that, too. But it is harder for Africans and West Indians than it is for African Americans because in those cultures they really emphasize togetherness and community and "happiness" _ I heard that in one of the African languages, I am not sure which, there is no word for "alone". I still get looked at by my fellow blacks here [in the UK] as strange though, but West indians don't get me at all.

6.20.2005
I identify very much with Ayn Rand. Loved the Fountainhead. It made so much sense. She is perhaps a bit extreme, a trifle callous, but I understand, because I am that way, too. I have a very low tolerance for human foibles, and am often impatient with the structures and
beliefs that people take comfort from.

I don't remember exactly when I first took an MBTI test, but I have known for probably 7 years that I am an INTJ. It made perfect sense. I am a profound INTJ, and even when I was very young I understood that I had an unusual and difficult personality type, and that while it caused problems, it was no flaw. Thank goodness for that INTJ clearheadedness. It is a
gift.

My life as an INTJ has been complicated somewhat by my abusive childhood. My family consists of coarse, aggressive people whose first instinct when threatened is to resort to bullying behavior. Besides the preexisting dysfunction there was the inevitable conflict and misunderstanding between the sensitive, bookish kid (me) and the obnoxious jock types (all of them). Their attitude towards me has been, by turns, bullying, mocking, or pitying, depending on how powerful they were feeling at the time, but there has never been any egree of understanding or respect. Because I was INTJ I was able to understand and dismiss them, but with the result that I grew into a distrustful and contemptuous adult, which, added to all the usual INTJ traits...well, let's just say I'm no social butterfly. But like so many others here I find it less taxing to let poorly suited friendships die than to put up with people who are always wondering what's wrong with me.

One particular problem I have had...because I was hurt so much as a child, I have a horror of hurting other people's feelings, and I tend to hide my dislike of other people with a mask of friendliness which is a little too convincing; I tend to attract people I don't like. I then have to go through a painful process of disengaging. People are often surprised and hurt by my willingness to abruptly end relationships, relationships they were having but I was only pretending to have. I have learned as I get older that that is much less fair and less kind than simply being honestly unfriendly at the start. So for those of you that have had problems because you can't force the small talk...you're doing fine. Trust me, there's no payoff. The cost of pretending is much greater
than the cost of being who you are. Let it be.

I've also experienced some minor annoyances because I am black and African, and my personality places me outside of what people consider to be a cultural norm; white and black people alike are thrown off-balance by my tastes in books and music, my love of science, my hatred of hip-hop, my cold objectivism. They all irritate me with their lack of imagination. There is so much preconditioned thinking to be overcome.

I find it sad that INTJs are so uncommon, and we can expect to be mistrusted and misunderstood our whole lives. That said, I wouldn't want to be any different. It's a lonely type, ut the intellectual clarity seems to me such a powerful and priceless gift. It has seen me through so much, and it certainly rescued me (to a degree) from my childhood. It also offers me access to my unfulfilled potential, because I have stayed free of the conditioned expecations that hamstring so many of my peers by the time they're in their mid-thirties. I think that INTJs are best served by the company of others like them, not exclusively, but enough to prevent the social alienation that can easily occur when everybody around you is an irritant. I am in the process of making some life changes that I expect will make my social life easier. The future looks good; do not allow yourself to be boxed in by others' perceptions. Chances are, yours are closer to the truth.