A INFJ reader wrote:
Taking the personality test has been a god send! I identify with all of these people. I have spent the greater part of my life trying to please and help everyone around me and find there is no one to help me when I need it. I have become very resentful and tend to keep to myself more and more.
I married an iNTJ and have taken on some of his personality traits. I am not sure it is for the better. I find that I have a very hard time making friends. My husband says that I scare people because I always know what they are thinking or what they really feel. I am also unable to hide how I feel and that causes conflict with friends.
Friends tend to think that I have it all together because I am very diciplied and able to work towards a goal and eventualy meet it. I hate people that make excuses for their life without trying to change it. I don't feel that anything is out of my reach and I plan for everything.
I feel like I never meet others like me and now I know why. 2% of the population are like me and I am sure I have not met one yet!
Lately people look at me like I am from another planet when I talk which makes me feel bad and want to withdraw to my little corner of the world all the more. I am a stay at home mom these days after trying non-profit work and getting a degree in psychology. I find that being around needy people for very long drains me. Staying home can be hard because I want things to be perfect all the time. I get angry at family for mess and can't understand why it is so hard to keep things perfect.
Ok, enough of my rambling. I am just so pleased to read that there are others like me. I would like some suggestions for making new friends.
DAVID answers:
Friendship is difficult for INFJ for several reasons, the first being that we are Introverts and live inside our heads. Most people are Extroverts who live in the outside world of people, places and things. Most of these Extroverts are also Sensing people, which means they can only relate to that which they can see or feel.
This is the exact opposite of INFJs, who first relate to what is happening in their inner world. As Introverted Intuitive, they "know" things by their Intuition, not thru what they see in front of them. This makes communication very difficult because we can't easily explain what we feel or know to people that only understand what they see.
To make matters worse, the function that we INFJ's use to Extrovert is our Feeling side. The rest of the world can sense how we feel, but not how we understand things. They also do not understand how we deal with our Thinking side, which is also Introverted. One minute we are sharing praise or comforting people and the next minute we are critical. We are usually very honest in projecting our Feelings, but this confuses and often scares Sensing types. Holding our tongues doesn't always help because we just can't hide how we feel.
For some reason, INTJ's seem to have a little easier time dealing with the world, mainly because their Feeling function is Introverted and their Thinking function is Extroverted. They may be a little bossier than an INFJ, and a lot colder, but they don't scare people because their Feeling side is Introverted and far less dominant. They tend to appear (key word here is appear) more stable and more in control because their Extroverted Thinking makes decisions based on logic and reason. This does not imply better decisions. They do often see only on side of the issue and this appeals to Sensing types, who may disagree but don't take it personally. People always take what an INFJ says personally.
INFJ's usually see and often vocalize both sides of every issue. They may be conservative on one issue and liberal on another. This confuses people who like to know what others are thinking, but can't (since only INFJ's and INFP's can do this and they are very rare).
Apparently this woman's Judging Function is also very strong - she likes order in her home and in her personal affairs. I myself am only a moderately expressed J, so putting things in order is not always important to me. However, their is one thing that I have noticed. Because much of my world takes place inside my head (where everything is in order), in my business dealings I often demand that the outside world follow that same order. It took me a while to understand that I was not expressing the importance of this to those that I dealt with in my business. Remember, INFJ's do a better job expressing their Feelings than expressing what they Intuitively know or Think. We need to be careful not to let these issues come to a boil, which I define as the point where our feelings about places, time, things, etc. overwhelms our feelings/caring about people.
I also found there is never was anyone around to help me either. Part of the reason for that is because it is difficult for INFJ's to accept anything from others. We are so used to others (especially Extroverts) draining us that (because of our strong Feeling function and because we are Introverted) we could never see ourselves draining others. People just get used to taking and not giving. Just this weekend, I had an experience like this. Someone I had been helping for literally years with a personal problem refused to extend himself in the slightest to help me with an errand I needed run that was very important.
Unfortunately, this constant disappointment with people makes us withdraw even more. We need to be careful that we don't take on other personality traits as a means to escape into a better world. For an INFJ, this usually means becoming our "shadow" personality, an ESTP. As one who went this route for a long time, I only have one thing to say - DON'T GO THERE. It doesn't work. Life will only get worse.
So what can you do? I would suggest making an effort to better explain what you are thinking not just what you are feeling. I would suggest trying to understand not only yourself, but other personality types as well. Generally speaking, people don't hurt us because they are mean. They hurt us because they either don't understand us or they don't understand themselves. As INFJ's and INFP's we are blessed with a far greater ability to understand. We should use that ability to improve our lives as well as those around us. The easiest way to do this is to RELAX. Don't take everything so seriously. Save your energy for that which is truly important. Demand a little better from everyone, and a lot less from yourself. People will see the real you and eventually, they will be your friend.
Works for me.....
David
Also read David's article on cell phones here and his article on networking here.
David DeVaughn is an INFJ that got tired of fighting the corporate world and is now an entrepreneur living in Traverse City, Michigan.
David would love for old and new friends to contact him.
