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Vision for healing
part ii

by Kati

The Quest of the Libra and the GEMINI

With the death of my dear friend and teacher there was a deep confusion that spread through my very being. All the energies around me at the time pointed towards a crossroads event, which would change me forever.

 

As a child I had seen many things in my dreams and now as an adult I had been given a glimpse of the pain of the orphaned eternal child. The ache of grief throbbed in my joints and all I wanted to do was find a safe place where I could be myself. The girl in me knew of the sacred grove, a circle of birch trees located at the back of the property my Grandfather had given my mother. The further I went into the trees the easier it became to breathe. A rock wall marked my divine space, a home to healers. I climbed up to sit on the stones and thought of my Grandfather, his smile and his gift of feeling the heat of stones with his hands. I felt his strength holding me in place. Questions seeped slowly from my tired and weary brain.

 

What could the DREAM have meant? How could I ever help this child when I had not been able to help myself? The faces of my abusers laughed at me. I saw myself as they had seen me, nothing more than a worthless body to be mauled and probed. I sat on that rock and mourned and cried to all the forces of Nature, my totems, my Grandmothers, and all the healers who had walked ahead of me. I wrapped my arms around my knees and closed my eyes as the shudder of pain and rage swept through me.

 

A child would come for me to help -- I had asked and I would be given my chance. I had never been denied that which had been first shown me in the dreams. There was no other way except to wait, learn, be ready for the evil of this child, pray that would choose to be as strong as his innocence. Would I be the right healer?

 

If anyone had wandered upon me at that moment they would have seen a woman/child needing the comfort of all that the natural world could bring. I wanted to be transformed into the roots of the trees and the solid form of stone. I wanted to become the raven and know all the secrets of living and dying. For a long time I just swayed feeling the dark greens of the pine forest contrasted against the white purity of the circle of birches. Light danced around me. I was in my Grandfather’s land, not merely on the property but in the very sensation of all that he had provided for me and all my clan. His strength was what I borrowed as I prepared to be the guardian, seeker, peacemaker, and warrior who would do battle for this eternal boy child of the dream.

I let my heart start the healing process. Celtic music and journaling, more walks and stargazing, all parts of a healer’s ways, things I did for myself so that I could still be the wife, mother and daughter I would have to be in the external world of 5 senses. I felt better and the time came for me to leave my Grandfather’s land and return to my adult family home.

Shortly after my daughters and I arrived back at home we found out that we had orders to move to another place. Operation Moving South went into full gear. Lists with chores like –pick up blue paint at Lowe’s and drop off the bags at GOODWILL, get the kids school records, change the address, visit the grave one more time, cycled through my head day and night. We had three weeks to get the townhouse ready and our family relocated. I had no time to be sad just exhausted. One night after long hours of to-do lists and errand runs, I risked feeling. The fear was almost overwhelming. I asked the Universe to help me not to be scared of change. By this time the DREAM had started to lessen its hold on me. That night I stayed up reading the Book of Luke -- a healer for the healers.

Moving to a new home meant much readjustment. Getting the girls set up in their programs of learning was most important. Helping my youngest get used to her new room, chicken pox invaded and my husband got the worst case of pink eye he had ever had. These were the highlights of the first months in our new home. The physical world was out of balance to say the least. I was getting less than ten hours of sleep a week.

 

However, this was also the most beautiful autumn of my life. The morning blue skies and the warm southern sun greeted me each day. Many of these mornings I would wander around our housing area. It is amazing how much I can learn about others simply by noticing the banners they fly above their homes or whether they have wind chimes and fairy fountains or wooden chickens in their yards. I am a Libra, a seeker of beauty and wisdom and peace and the days of autumn have long been my time of spiritual renewal. My new year’s resolutions are always written down in September and my birthday is the bridge to the waiting year.

 

One of the greatest lessons I learned that October was to appreciate the way I measured my life in experiences rather than the days of Roman influence. Of course before long I needed more than long walks. Because I am a seeker I seldom go long without joining some group. Being a part of community keeps me sane. I made sure to reach out to the groups I had served before on other bases. The leader of the retreat center here was interested in me helping but he was leaving for a new post. He said he would take my name anyway and pass it along to the new director. I didn’t get a good vibe from the meeting. In the parking lot I decided to wait until they called me before I made any further contact. Though I missed being a helper, I wasn’t going to make a nuisance of myself. Either I am wanted or I find better company.

The UNIVERSE does not ever forget and as promised the eternal child would need me just as he had in my DREAM. Shortly after the spring equinox and a few days before May Day my phone rang. His voice sent chills through me. The inner alarm that has faithfully warned me of danger exploded in my solar plexus. He and I had never met before at least not in the world of 5 senses. I heard only one adult male voice with my ears -- but there were many voices speaking to my heart. I often joke that I am fluent in INNER CHILD. Lost children in adult bodies find me a safe audience. I enjoy their playfulness and understand their scars. They are like me and I am like them. When the group leader asked if I would be a helper -- I heard HELP ME! I can’t find my way out of the darkness.

Intrigued was hardly the word I could use to describe my need to meet the man behind this voice on the other end of my phone. That night I dreamed of the labyrinths of my childhood. The evil was chasing me and I found my way to the hiding place against the inner walls. I kept hearing the crying child and the voice of loss and fear. I was fully protected in my dreams by the archer and the druid and the priestess. Evil had no power in the labyrinth. Little did I know the message of my dreams came straight from the SHE of the UNIVERSE. A reminder that if I were to be the HEALER and the SEEKER I MUST be aware and prepared to face the darkness in myself before I could fend off the darkness of a wounded other.

That morning I drove the miles to the office where I would meet the eternal child in human form. I entered the office and looked straight into the blue eyes of the Red headed baby child of my earlier dreams. He looked at me as if he had seen a ghost. He and I shared the gifts of the INFP. For many seconds we just stared at each other. My body was in one place while the depth of the third eye of my core was sharing visions of past events and future agony. I have been in the presence of evil more times that I care to really accept. Never before had I felt such strength mixed with so much pain. Somehow we managed to pretend our way through the first part of this quest together. He sat down and started to try and small talk… totally useless in this case. But we tried anyway. As he talked I watched the many faces appear wanting to test me, to show me they were adorable, lovable, still alive in the prison that evil kept guard over inside this wonderfully charismatic lonely man.

We agreed that I would be part of the next retreat weekend. I would meet some of the others at the planning dinner that evening. Now it gets harder to write because fact is indeed stranger and more bizarre than fantasy or fiction. The first woman I met was the NURSE. She really was a nurse and a counselor. She had become the self-assigned protector/mother to the Gemini. She didn’t care for me much -- intuition was not her strength and she was threatened by my presence in the group. I tried not to piss her off but that just wasn’t in the eternal plan I guess. Next, the guardian of all things of GOD and children walked into the room. Evil had lived in her soul too for many, many days. She was the NUN of my dream. She knew what everyone thought, what everyone should feel and how to worship GOD in the perfect way. She wore the mask of acceptance and spiritual tolerance -- that is all it was, a paper mache-childhood mask. As I met these women the Gemini was watching. The evil in him wanted to see if I was also of the caliber of the NUN and the NURSE. You see he had spent so much time trying to be someone acceptable in the 5 senses world he had forgotten how to be an INFP. Oh he taught others well enough. He knew the tests and all the right answers. The false protector watched to see if I could be so easily manipulated and deceived as these women were. He spoke aloud to them in a seducing tone. They nourished his adult need for sexual excitement.

 

The energy around the table was so false and full of illusion. You see in the true way of the GEMINI the man had the gift of alchemy of the soul/ able to shape shift at will in order to keep his deepest pain and horrible scars from women. He would read the need and become whatever your deepest desire would ask for -- but there would always be a price for the gift was never given without a cost. That night I should have run given all that I saw –- the energies that surrounded him were the same as the best cults leaders of our times. The ones who rape at will for all eternity. I had been raped, my childhood stolen, what made me think I could ever take on such an evil?

part iii | back to part i

 

© nancy r. fenn

 

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