This wonderful wisdom was contributed by an infp reader, 27 year old BlytheSpirit, 4.02.2007.
I see that nobody has added anything to this post-box for a while so possibly this is now a ghost thread... But I still wanted to add something here. It’s late. It’s far too late at night, but I have been sitting and reading all of these INFP posts and moving gradually from the state of vague greyness, bordering on depression, which drew me to this site to a feeling of calm and peace.
I honestly don’t mind being an INFP, and the knowledge that I am one has made me very happy in my identity, but the thing that bothers me most about being an INFP is how emotionally vulnerable we are. Does anybody else feel this?
I believe that because INFPs are people pleasers (for good and bad reasons) we often sacrifice too much of ourselves for others trying to heal them, and then end up burnt and racked with guilt for having to let go to save the last shreds of self they couldn’t understand. Am I making sense? (you’re right, I’m thinking of a particular friendship/relationship I had lately which didn’t work out and which - for me - highlighted all the relational problems to which the INFP personality is liable!). We dwell on things. We feel guilty and anxious about situations we can’t control. We get upset when others trivialise something we care about. It takes us YEARS to get over messy relationships. We are horribly prone to depression.
But on the other hand, our strengths are phenomenal too. If we believe enough in ourselves, we can extraordinarily creative. Our idealising imaginations, when allowed humanitarian or artistic scope, can effect tremendous things. And although we may find it difficult to be happy, our sensitivity to goodness, kindness, ‘light’ (both visually and metaphorically) and all that is delicate and beautiful in this world can make us - even if it is only for an instant - the happiest people on the planet. I wouldn’t swap that vulnerability for anything else!
But if we are the natural ‘healers’ in the personality-pool, how can we help heal ourselves? How can we be aware of our weaknesses and turn them into something positive (or at least mitigate the cripplingly negative counterpoints that the INFP weaknesses can be).
I don’t have any fix-it-all solution, and the advice given by others here was, I thought, very wise. But having thought about this question a lot in response to reading all of YOUR thoughts, I had some ideas myself which I would like to record incase they are of use to anyone who struggles with making the most of their INFP identity.
1) Trust your intuitions about people - they are normally right.
2) Regard being you as another of your INFP-style ‘unviolatable principles’ - pretend that you are one of the people you most wish to cherish and protect, and cherish and protect yourself accordingly. Give yourself rest and relaxation when you need it. Don’t beat yourself up about not getting it right all the time.
3) Try not to obsess about the little things in relationships. Sounds funny, but I do think that in our closest relationships INFPS often experience tremendous frustration and resentment when others let us down. We have a lot of trouble forgiving in these circumstances. An insight from Henri Nouwen, a Christian writer, struck me recently: we have to forgive others for not being God. That means, not projecting our fantasies onto friends, partners, family members who will never be perfect or be able to take the pain away. Once we accept others’ limitations it becomes easier to receive all the love and goodness they do have to offer, and easier for us too to be able to give it.
4) Seek out environments, and people, which nurture your gifts. It is VERY important for the INFP personality to be supported and nurtured in their vocation. It takes a very strong INFP to rise above the temptations to depression and self-criticism without any support. I wonder how many great INFP talents have been lost to the world because they buried them beneath our own fears and dependencies (including, perhaps, the fear of succeeding). Don’t let this happen to you!
5) Relating back to the point about emotional vulnerability... Be kind to yourself and remember that love comes in many different shapes and guises. The end of a relationship - any relationship - is really not the end of the world, and all things can be transformed and resurrected with faith and hope. Nothing good is ever lost.
6) Whatever ‘evils’ of depression, doubt, anguish or isolation, you fight against, your power or imagination and regeneration is still greater than all of that. I was reading Coleridge’s biography recently (I think he was probably also an INFP) and felt moved that he accomplished so much with so much against him - a relentless opium addiction, a miserable family-life, and - worst of all to him - a forced separation from the love of his life. Whatever situation you are in, you have no idea of the power in you to create, to be, to effect, something of lasting value in this world.
Have the courage to be yourselves!
(I realised I just talked myself round, also - one convert to these sentiments already!)
Thanks to everyone for your comments. Lots of kindly lights!
Of the infp’s mentioned on the site, I identify with Shakespeare (that is, I’d love to write like Shakespeare, he sees everything so compassionately and clearly and no-one else can get you high on words so quickly!) but I also identify with St John in the gospels (not on this list, but a likely INFP - at least he writes as if he might be one) The fact that he stood by Jesus at the Cross, and stayed to look after Mary, always moved me. I would like to be like him.
Blithespirit, age 27, email
