Introduction
No Thanks, I Don't Want a Walking Partner
Hermit Loner Comes Out
We Say ... They Hear
My Solution to Noise Pollution
Don't Pounce on Me
Setting Boundaries
The Territorial Thing
Good Things
The Irony of It All
A Planned Community -- for Introverts!!
The Irony of It All
You'd think that extroverts would understand other people, wouldn't you? You'd think that since they are focusing outside themselves, that they'd be quick to put themselves in other peoples' shoes, finding it pretty easy to understand a different point of view.
That seems not to be the case, in general. It seems like we sound “bitter” or hostile to some extroverts.
When we try to explain the way we are, they don't understand and they think that we are mentally ill, or angry, or just plain weird.
It makes perfect sense, though, if you think in terms of an extrovert “projecting” his energy out into the world. Likewise, he projects his own feelings onto us. Because he would only want to be alone if he were depressed, then our wanting to be alone surely means that we are depressed. Because he would only decline to talk to someone if he were angry with that person, then our disinterest in conversation with someone has to mean that we're angry with her. Since he would only turn down an invitation to a party if he weren't feeling well, something must be wrong with us when we don't want to go to his party. Since our extroverted friend cannot even imagine actually enjoying solitude, he is sure that we don't really enjoy it, either, and must be trying to hide some deep dark “issue” when we say we like to be alone.
The thing is, we don't have to understand another person's differences in order to accept them. For example, I do not smoke. I tried to learn years and years ago when I was a teenager and I just could not make myself do it. My chatty neighbor is a smoker. I don't understand her addiction. I don't understand how it can possibly relax her. That doesn't stop me from accepting that she does enjoy it, and it does relax her. I would never want to do it, but that doesn't mean I can't grasp the fact that she does. I would never dream of walking up to her while she's enjoying a cigarette, taking it out of her mouth, and just keeping it away from her for ten or fifteen minutes. Yet, she thinks nothing of interrupting my solitude for ten and fifteen minutes at a time. Why is it okay for her to do that to me, when it would never be okay for me to take her cigarette away?
Perhaps it is a waste of energy to try to get most extroverts to understand us. Maybe we need to just say “Look, I know you don't understand. That's okay, really. I don't need you to understand. But I do need you to accept what I'm telling you, and respect me.” Maybe that would work better. We might have to repeat ourselves like a broken record – I know, we hate to repeat ourselves. How come saying it once isn't enough? But if it isn't, we can just repeat, kindly and gently: “I am not angry with you. I just don't want to talk right now.” “I do not hate people. I just need my space.” “I'm not depressed. I just enjoy being alone.”
What do you think? Is it even worth the effort? I want to hear from you. Hermit.loner@yahoo.com
