July 18, 1997

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"Hi, my name is Joe, and I'm an introvert."
"Welcome, Joe. Why don't you tell the group a little bit about yourself?"

"Um, I'm not very outgoing. I don't like to talk about myself, and I'm not very comfortable talking in front of large groups of people like I'm doing right now."

Yes, I don't think most meetings of Introverts Anonymous would last very long.

"Hey, everyone, come back. Where ya going? The meeting's not over yet."

It's a bit strange being an introvert here in the U.S. It just seems that this country is governed for, by, and of the extrovert. Americans like to help people, but only if those people are willing to talk about their problems. Sure, everyone can understand how one guy could cheat on his wife by sleeping with his uncle, but what would really confuse this society as a whole is if that guy wasn't willing to go on national television and talk about it. Then, he would have a real problem.

You'll never turn on daytime television and hear, "People who don't like to talk about their problems in front of strangers. Next Sally."

"So, Jill, why don't you tell the people when you first realized that you didn't feel comfortable talking about your problems in front of people?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone."

"Well. . . . okay. Let's bring out our next guest. George is a thirty-six year old man who says the sheer thought of coming out here and appearing on television terrifies him more than anything he can possibly imagine. Please welcome George. . . . Um, George, are you there? Hey, where'd George go? Anybody seen George?"

You have to feel especially sorry for introverted alcoholics. You hear all about the wonders of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what about the shy people who started drinking to be more outgoing? How are they going to handle talking about their problem in front of a roomful of people?

"Well, I tried to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, but there were all these people there, and they kept wanting me to talk. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get a drink."

And then there's therapy, which is, of course, the secret weapon of the extrovert. If something's bothering you, well then go to therapy, and it'll all be okay. After all, the first step to solving your problem is admitting to a stranger who is making oodles of money an hour that the problem exists.

I'm not attacking therapy in general. I'm sure it works wonders, but I bet it helps the extroverts more. An extrovert can open up right away, while the introvert needs time to get over the fact that he or she is telling intimate details to some complete stranger. It all seems stacked in favor of the extrovert, if you ask me.

Unfortunately, the world will always be this way. It's not like the introverts of the world are going to strike back any time soon. You see, that would probably require them to hang out with each other.

And it's only getting worse. Let's face it. Things really haven't been going well for introverts ever since that moment a few years ago when "quiet and keeps to himself" suddenly became a synonym for "serial killer."

"Oh my God! He's quiet and keeps to himself. Run! Run! Run for your lives!"

Now, not only are people confused by us introverts. They are also afraid. Great. That's sure going to help.

I should admit that I'm nowhere near the quiet and keeps to himself end of the introvert spectrum. At least on most days, I don't have to worry about people running away from me terrified. I do have an extroverted side. After all, if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be writing this column.

Still, there are some things I just don't understand. How can some people be so completely outgoing all the time? Why is being introverted usually viewed as a problem? Why when there's a television camera nearby am I the only one who walks away from it? Why if some guy slept with his sister-in-law who used to be his brother-in-law would he go on television and talk about it?

And, while we're at it, why the hell was I watching him talk about it?

[This article is quoted in its entirety from Joe Lavin's Humor Column.]

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