REBECCA XXX WRITES:
So here’s the skinny on me and intensity. It is hard to sort out in my head everything that is there. I am intense in how I feel about life, myself, relationships with others, and my expectations of all of that. I can see the potential in situations, those that I love, my work, my life, and get so incredibly frustrated when people don’t even strive to live up to their potential, or work towards achieving what could make the world/situation better. The Catch 22 is that to lower my expectations in all of this is so depressing because it brings me down to reality when I love living in the ideal. I see what could be—and that’s so inspiring and encouraging to see in situations and the people around me, rather than the reality that in many cases, injustices will continue, people will stagnate, and our time for growth on this Earth will be over with little change for the betterment of mankind achieved.
Of course I say all of this while my own life and work seem to contribute so little to the good of others. So I am constantly reevaluating the purpose of my existence (because that’s a good Friday afternoon contemplation). The quest for meaning, for purpose, for a means of contributing to the good of others is at the core of my passion and intensity.
But at the same time, I hang back and evaluate a situation/person before I invest myself in it/them. But once I decide it’s worth it, I am whole-heartedly devoted, to the point I may have a hard time letter go if the time comes.
Do you see what I mean? I feel like I’m a walking paradox, contradicting views wrapped up in one (sometimes confused) person. But this is who I am, and for the most part I am happy to be intense—even with the quirkiness that brings. I guess I should be content, since the quest for self-knowledge is paramount in my life—at least in being complex, there will always be something about me I have yet to discover.
