Elizabeth
Wade is a biology research professional. She is an infp
type of introvert, called the Healer. Introversion is a
legitimate personality type and there are actually 8 different
types of introverts. Healers make up a very small percentage
of the population, only about 2%. They have a serene and
calming effect on others and are committed to personal growth,
authenticity and acts of great lovingness.
I asked Elizabeth to describe what it was like growing up
introverted in an extroverted world. This is her story.
Growing up as an introvert in a world of extroverts that
doesn't accept introverts as normal, is painful in the extreme.
Unless you're fortunate enough to have another introvert
in your immediate family or social network as a child, you're
isolated and always feel like you're alone, even in a big
crowd. Being around people is exhausting and you need to
get away. My retreat was always into books.
I remember one summer (7th grade?) where I spent most of
the summer reading. My mother was always trying to get me
to go outside, get my head out of the books, and play like
the rest of the kids. My father would comment at the dinner
table that "the princess has decided to grace us with
her presence". When your parents ridicule you for being
different, your siblings will treat you the same way; learned
behavior at its worst.
Because you're quiet, most of the time people think you
don't have anything to say or contribute and are surprised
when you offer a suggestion or even if you say anything.
When I was a senior in high school, I had Economics with
one of the world's worst teachers. I sat towards the back
and kept a small group of students in stitches with my snide
remarks (by 12th grade I had found that I had a voice and
used it more). I think they were all shocked because all
those years in school, they never suspected that I had a
sense of humor.
All through school I was never part of any one clique. I
had acquaintances in most of the groups but never belonged
to any of them. I didn't feel the need. I was in Brownies
for one year and 4-H for one year; I never like the organized
group thing. I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted
to do it, not when someone told me I could do it. Of course,
the whole group integration thing is difficult when you
don't see the point in making "small talk" and
useless conversation. That, I've never been good at.
Teachers always liked me because I was quiet, didn't cause
trouble, generally followed the rules (at least when I was
younger!), and did well in my school work. Of course, my
siblings hated me for it. Most of my pre-college education
was spent trying to keep a low profile and hoping I wouldn't
be noticed. The ultimate horror: doing math problems on
the board in front of the class. I had a geometry class
in 9th grade, where everyone else was in 11 or 12th grade,
and where we had to do proofs on the board. Each class was
an agony of anticipation and then relief if I wasn't chosen.
The Agony and the Ecstasy, so to speak (you know, I read
that book in 6th grade?!).
As an adult, it's not so bad. I know I'm okay and I don't
care if other people don't get me; that's just too bad.
I'm very protective of my personal space and need lots of
alone time. Extroverts are horrified if you tell them that
you like going to movies by yourself or if you buy yourself
flowers just because you want to, or any other of a dozen
other things that they just can't envision doing by themselves.
Introverts are their own best friends, which makes them
better friends to others. We're picky about who we let into
our lives and to what extent. Just leave us alone and we
will accomplish miracles! Introverts really rule the world--we
just let the extroverts think they do!
Because I was quiet and downright stoic when angry, my mother
said to me in high school one time when she was angry, "I
don't know how you expect to be a doctor when you can't
talk to people". I was totally crushed and this statement
caused me to completely forego my dream of becoming a doctor.
I now know that this was ultimately for the best, but at
the time those words devastated me.
As introverts, we have learned first hand that words are
very important and have the power to uplift or destroy,
so we chose ours with care. The written word is powerful,
but spoken words have even more weight and consequences
and careless words can wound deeply. We know because people
have been wounding us our whole lives. The worst part is
that most of those that hurt us are completely unaware of
the effect they've had and blithely continue on as we're
stricken mute from the dagger thrust of their words.
That's why voicemail, answering machines and the internet
are introvert heaven. Sometimes I cannot stand the thought
of talking to another person. I don't care if that person
is my best friend in the whole world. Sending email so you
can write/rewrite exactly what you want to say before you
send it is a gift from the gods.
Our silence doesn't mean that we agree with you; usually,
it's not worth the effort to set you straight--even if we
could get a word in edgewise. Don't be surprised if later
we say or do something contrary to what you've said or think.
I must say that I'm learning, finally, in my middle age
to be more aggressive and assertive in my speech. Sometimes
I just have to set the record straight and won't allow someone
to talk over me.
I've learned as a manager or meeting facilitator to draw
the quiet people out with pointed questions, allowing them
their say. Usually, they have good ideas and input. I know
how it is to have something to say and be out-maneuvered
or out-talked by a group of extroverted people.
Extroverted friends don't always take "no" for
an answer. I find myself making up a lame excuse or outright
lying because they cannot accept the phrase "I don't
really want to, thanks". How pathetic is that? After
you've said no to their needling to get you to do something
three or four times, you're forced to come up with something
they deem "acceptable" as a reason you don't want
to spend time with them. It's because they can't fathom
anyone actually wanting to be alone with only themselves
and their thoughts for company.
Elizabeth describes in herself many of the characteristics
that are normal for introverts. For this reason, her experiences
may sound quite familiar. Elizabeth mentions her quiet nature,
her love of reading and her desire to be in her room with
the door closed. These are all routinely misunderstood by
her family members. Introverts need time alone to fill up
with energy because they give energy and extroverts take
energy.
Another
typical introvert characteristic that Elizabeth mentions
is her method of communicating. Introverts don’t talk
very much, not because they are unintelligent but because
they don’t like to say anything unless it is significant.
Introverts get no value out of saying things out loud either.
That’s not the way they learn. Introverts like Elizabeth
also need time to think things over. When they do speak,
if it’s important, they say it in a quiet voice. Like
Elizabeth, most introverts adore email and feel like the
internet was invented just for them! Elizabeth also brings
up another critical thing to remember about introverts.
Don’t assume because they don’t say anything that
they agree with you. This is obviously quite important if
you are in a significant relationship with an introvert
or marketing to the!
