MARK
begins his story like this.
It
has been only recently that I discovered 2 things of great
importance in my life. One that I am an introvert and two,
that it is OK to be an introvert. With Nancy's encouragement
I have decided to tell my story. It has been powerful for
me to read the stories of other introverts on her web page
and on other pages too.
My
name is Mark. I am 51 years old and I have been a psychotherapist
for over 25 years. It is a bit embarassing to be 51 and a
therapist in the field and not have been able to see this
in myself. It was kind of funny when I began to share my discovery
with my friends about how I had discovered I was an introvert
and that I was OK. I mean all of my friends kind of laughed
at me in good humor because it was like I had told them that
I had discovered the nose on my face. In other words I wasn't
telling them anything that they hadn't known all this time.
The
difference this time was that I didn't feel that there was
something wrong with me for being this way.
I
first became acquainted with the differences between introverts
and extroverts when, 3 months ago I read in David Richo's
book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships, a passage
about introverts where he described the differences (pages
138-141). Although I didn't agree with everything that he
said, particularly the part where he stated that introverts
are probably better off not being in relationships, the rest
of the passages were the beginnings for me being able to see
that I was not alone in who I am and have always been. That
there were many others who also could take only so much socializing
before they began to space out or feel flooded. Being validated
like that for the first time gave me such feeling of elation
that I actually became giddy and couldn't stop chuckling for
at least ten minutes. It felt like I was high.
After
that I became quickly acquainted with several other web site
on introverts. On one site that I enjoyed so much I sent the
web site owner feedback telling him that I had only recently
discovered that I was an introvert. His reply gave me a chuckle
also. He told me that he knew immediately after the first
sentence of my feedback to him that I was an introvert because
only an introvert could be so articulate and give such detailed
and specific feedback in one sentence. Again, I was amazed
and further intrigued.
The
more I read on Nancy's site and others the more I could see
how I had grown up in a family of extroverts in my dad, brother
and sister and that how early on in my life the goal was always
to be like them or other outgoing people. I remember so many
times forcing myself to be whom I wasn't and feeling exhausted.
And
now all of a sudden I could look back and see how at all those
family reunions that I had always dreaded, how I had needed
to withdraw to the upstairs tv room, that that was due to
that sense of being overdosed socially. How at family holiday
get togethers, again I would need to go to a room and read
or watch tv. Later I was always chastised for being antisocial.
No matter how bad I felt about being antisocial, it still
didn't change that feeling of needing alone time. But now
looking back on years and years and even decades of withdrawing,
I could do so with a deep deep sigh of relief and lightening
and releasing self understanding. Like inside these small
light bulbs kept going off as I recalled all those times I
had withdrawn but this time I finally understood myself and
knew that there was and had never been something wrong with
me. Now I knew deep inside that I was OK.
Knowing
this has enabled me to start to share this information with
my friends, family and clients and be able to explain to them
the healthy differences. It is amazing how validating it is
to other introverts who can relate.
The
topper of my self acceptance came last week when I joined
an internet dating service and in my profile wrote that I
was an introvert who... and gave the details of my social
habits with a sense of really FEELING Ok inside myself.
Now,
don't get me wrong. I still have relapses into self doubts
about who I am and at those times I reread info about introverts
and I get re-validated and re-invigorated. The upshot of writing
that profile is that it attracted a woman who is herself an
introvert. This is the first time in my life that I can be
myself in a beginning friendship with a woman where at the
starting point I don't have to make excuses for whom I am.
So
here I am at the age of soon to be 52 and feeling reborn.
The nice thing is that I don't blame myself for only finding
this information out now. I feel like at this time in my life
I was so ready to hear this information. I was so ready because
I had experienced what I called the blessing of exhaustion
from trying to be someone who I am not. That exhaustion coupled
with the timing of being validated has felt like a new beginning.
In
closing, I want to thank Nancy for her web site and every
introvert who has had the courage to share his and her story
of what it has felt like to feel not OK for whom you are.
It was through your words about yourself that I could begin
to see myself differently and know that I was and am not alone.
To all of you I am grateful!
