HE BEGINS:
Here are some things when I am hitting on all cylinders that help me in a world apparently run by extraverts.

And yes, I have to keep going back to these, because my tendency is to rail against idiotic behavior. ;o

 

ACCEPT A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF BUILT IN CHAOS

Accept and understand that the world has both extraverts and intraverts so there is a certain amount of chaos built in. The key is not to try to control the chaos. It is to adjust my reaction to it. Does it make sense to wear myself out trying to change someone else's orientation especially if it is not natural for them? Not for me. I have burnt "myself" out trying to do this.

 

GET PLENTY OF REST

Get plenty of rest. Being tired is deadly for me in my interactions with the world.

 

GET OFF BY YOURSELF DURING THE DAY

Get away (alone) at lunch time, or sometime during the work day.

 

LIMIT TIME IN MEETINGS

Unless it is a training session, try to stay away from meetings that last over 1.5 hours.

If I am scheduling meetings myself, I shoot for 30 min. with 1 hour the maximum.

 

PACE YOURSELF AT WORK AND HOME

I pace myself at work and home. When taking on projects or work activities, it is helpful to be aware or conscious of how I am feeling in my body and my mental state. When I feel pushed or stressed, I step back and look at why I am pushing, and determine if it is really necessary. Stopping is very important. If you need more time, then ask for it first of all. Don't be afraid. Do it.

If the answer is that there is no more time, and it is necessary to make a deadline, then I simplify my approach and what I deliver. This may require me to back off my idealistic orientation. The truth is that the vast majority of extraverts don't notice. Most times they are interested that the job got done not how it got done. (Of course total garbage is not acceptable) So, for me, it is a question of balancing speed & quality.

In today's world, where more is wanted with less resources, life can be overwhelming for this introvert. If I have asked for more time and received a no. If I have simplified, and still can't get to the end on time. If I have put in a balanced and reasonable amount of extra effort or overtime (watch overdoing it here), and the task just won't deliver on time. Then I show up with what I have done, and an idea of how much additional time I need to do it. They can either accept it as is, or give me more time. It is what it is. In other words, I put my foot down. Extraverts will wear you out if you do not educate them on the consequences of their demands. Most of the time, unless they are doing the job, they do not have a clue. They are big babies about what they want, so constant education and communication are important.

I have noticed 2 things about doing this.

1. In most instances reasonable extraverts simply say o.k. and give me more time. They are often poor planners and do not really know how long it takes to do things.

2. The second thing is that extraverts most of the time do not know why they want something at a particular date. In other words, asking for the business reason for the date often stumps them. So this says, much of the time their dates are artificial, but when they are not artificial dates, ask them to participate in the solution not just wringing hands over the problem or playing the blame game.

 

KEEP THE ATTENTION ON THE WORD, NOT YOURSELF

When extraverts start changing the scope of the task, ask them if it is a "must have", or a "nice to have."

Another approach if they keep piling things up is to come back at them later with a time and cost estimate of the additional work by task. Then ask them what they are willing to wait and pay for. This takes the attention off you and onto the work where it needs to be.

 

LIVE IN THE PRESENT ... STOP FORECASTING

Live in the present, and stop forecasting, anticipating, and attempting to control the future before it has arrived. This is a supreme waste of energy since it never turns out exactly like I think it will anyway. Intorverts (yes me) can be controlling, organizing, detail oriented, and planning nightmares. [Nancy's note: Those are characteristics of all introverts. You might say it's our birthright.]

 

HAVE FUN IN THE MOMENT

Learn to have fun and play in the moment. Funny word associations in conversation is something I like to do. It lightens everyone up, and Extraverts enjoy the diversion.

 

CONNECT WITH EXTROVERTS ... ON YOUR OWN TERMS

Connecting without gushing. Give a gift of yourself or something that you have that you have found helpful. Actually, making it small, practical, or just silly is a way to reveal something about yourself to someone else without "true confessions". The idea here is to do it for the sake of doing it. Extraverts love this kind of interaction. After all, we reallly are interesting people. No sense totally hiding that fact.

 

TRY OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I use open ended questions to get extraverts off my back and to keep them from trying to steal all my energy if I am run down. A couple of intelligent questions should do it. It is easy to divert an extravert's attention in most instances. The smarter one's will require an actual recap of the facts associated with a situation. Like it or not, it is hard to argue with what actually happens whether they agree with it or not.

it is important to keep it real. The way to do this is to focus on what actually happened or what is happening. This shifts the energy towards a solution for a situation rather than getting stuck in the problem between two people. So first identify the problem. What problem are we trying to solve? Once that has been done, and that could take awhile, then ask what are all the creative solutions to this problem when can think up?" There is an excellent process called the "Six Thinking Hats" that provides an organized problem solving process that I have used successfully for years

 
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I ASKED BEN TO SUPPLY SOME EXAMPLES OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS. THIS WAS HIS REPLY.

EXAMPLES OF OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS

Yes! What I have found is that many people when talking about a situation will speak about it from their point of view which forces one to try to sift through what is opinion versus fact. This can be impossible to do with extroverts especially when they are attacking or trying to pull energy from you.

So when someone (usually an extrovert) is talking in an accusational way and possibly without direction politely interrupt and say. "I am having some trouble understanding what happened from your perspective". This statement stops the diatribe and hints that it might be just a personal viewpoint. Then I ask the question. "From the beginning, can you recap the facts as they actually happened so we can better understand?" This is kind because it says we want to understand. Secondly, it focuses attention on what really happened or possibly reveals that the person is unable to recall what actually happened. Nothing is 100%, but it tries to point the rational human being towards reality and away from their emotional baggage about you and/or the situation.

Another good open ended question that stops people dead and gets them to the root of an issue or argument is to ask this question. "What is the core belief or assumption at the basis of what you are saying?" Tables are automatically turned to the root cause where they need to be. Usually, what they are yammering about has more to do with them and their stuff than the actual situation itself. However, they may be genuinely trying to solve a problem. If so, it is important to know what that is. This question starts you down the path of finding out if this person is full of it or if they have a real problem. Extroverts often times just start talking with no direction so again getting focus saves time and energy for us.

One more question that I can recall being helpful is when someone is advocating a decision or direction that you do not agree with or think needs further investigation is as follows. "Can you tell me where you have actually implemented such a solution, what you did, and a recap of the lessons learned?" This is a good one to stop B.S.ers and those who want to look like they know something, but really don't. People with integrity and experience can easily answer this question or set up a meeting with those that can. This works really well with sales people who can be very persuasive and impressive with painting a picture with words and have a prearranged set of answers to objections.

 

FIND OUT WHAT IS REALLY TRUE

This introvert has a little "inner Hitler" running commentary on everything. I tend to buy into everything I am thinking as the gospel. After all, it comes from a totally reliable source right? Wrong! I am just a full of it as the next person.

Since I like to write, putting my thoughts out on paper and looking them keeps them from spinning around in my head. Testing my assumptions reveals some very interesting learnings for me about me. Find out what is really true. As Jed McKenna would say, the first universal law of objectivity is there ain't none.

 

AWARENESS OF WHAT IS HAPPENING IS MY BEST ALLY

The articles on this website reminded me how much I punish myself based on other people's as well as my own personality orientation. Awareness of what is happening is my best ally. Being kind and nice to me has to be a priority to be happy, healthy, and free. I give it to you for what it is worth. If it helps, great. If not, the delete key is a beautiful thing.

I do find it odd and somewhat unsettling that our personality types are so hard wired into us. It makes me feel kind of robotic. I realize that there are many permutations of each personality type, but the general tendencies are staggering with the Myers Briggs in their accuracy for me.

You can contact Ben at EMAIL: BENLAMES@CS.COM
He will be glad to answers questions if he can.

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WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID:

9.10.2004 This is my personal view also.

-- Devi

© nancy r. fenn