KATHY
answered three questions in an email interview.
1.
What makes you think you're an introvert?
I never really thought of myself, using that particular word
before. It's just very clear to me that I seem to be so much
more tentative than everyone else. So many times, I've observed
someone's behavior and thought, "How can they be so sure?"
I think it must be a very solid, secure feeling to know "what
the score is", know exactly how you feel about something,
what's right and what's wrong, etc. But I wouldn't know... The
door to questioning is always open for me. There's always a
window of doubt.
But
that's only one small aspect. It would take a book to thoroughly
answer this question. I never could understand how people could
enjoy talking with each other endlessly about things that seemed
boring or inane to me. I wanted so much to "join in",
but I ended up having to get up and leave because I couldn't
stand it. Invariably, I chose in those moments to be alone,
often going outside and sitting under a tree, or something.
So why did I want to join in? Maybe because I wanted companionship.
Don't want to be alone all the time, just most of the time.
And it was often difficult to find people that I could really
connect with. More recently, in a psychic reading, I was told
that i really need to hang out with people on the same wavelength,
more. I've begun doing this, and choosing my companions carefully,
and this pays off. Still, there are those times - family gatherings
loom large among them - when I must be in the company of many
people I don't know how to relate to. I really struggle with
this.
Also,
I'm aware of a rage in me. People push my buttons when they
overlook me; when I'm trying to express something, and it doesn't
get received or understood; when someone indicates to me that
they view me of little consequence, because I keep many of my
ideas to myself, so they think "nobody's home". I
feel frustrated in a discussion, because I can't get a word
in edgewise, or if I do manage to get a word in, it isn't understood.
Also, a lot of times, I'm busy formulating my ideas about something,
and by the time I'm ready, everyone has moved on. I have a rich
inner world that I want to share, but I don't know how.
People
cause me by far the most difficulty. I love Nature and feel
nourished in a forest. I love animals and very young babies
- before they learn to talk.
2. What are the things that you think characterize an introvert?
I think introverts are quiet, tentative, intelligent, sensitive,
deep thinkers, deep feelers, concentrated, intense, usually
too serious, honest with themselves and others, attuned spiritually
and often psychic, and at a loss how to manage in this noisy,
brash, material world.
3. What reactions have you gotten to being an introvert?
Oh boy... Anger from others. They start out really liking me.
But i feel uncomfortable because i feel the "liking"
is charged with wanting something from me that i can't give.
They continue to like me for a while, and i try to behave "normally",
but eventually they lose interest, regarding me as inconsequential,
or they get angry, as though they feel I've betrayed them. Either
way it's very painful. I've had to change residences because
of outbursts and hatred that seems to come to me, and it feels
like all I've done is try to keep to myself. Very, very painful
and helpless feelings.
But
this is not just an introvert problem. It's combined with the
very real problem of my strong tendency to judge others (as
i judge myself). i don't have to say a word to anyone. Eventually,
they get it. I've studied spiritual topics and followed different
spritual Masters for many years, and I'm just now finally seeing
that what i think comes back to me. In the last couple of years,
I've been really seeing my judgements for the first time, and
seeing the fallout that results. I can see that I can't hide
from the fallout by keeping my ideas to myself. Others pick
up on my attitudes in time. So I've been very busy "house-cleaning",
learning to stop judging myself and others, and learning to
be more gentle and accepting. This is also really paying off.
Nevertheless, I still see those situations that cause me pain
just because I don't extend myself, don't chat, don't express
myself as openly as others do.
Also,
a lot of times, I "see" where others are really coming
from, and I withdraw because of it, but they don't understand
my behavior.
4. Are you comfortable with yourself as an Introvert?
I guess it's fairly obvious that I'm not. I've often felt that
there is something wrong with me. But on the other hand, I am
comfortable with myself. When I'm alone. I enjoy my own company,
especially since I' ve been learning to be more gentle with
myself. I'm happiest when I get involved with a project and
lose track of time. This could be singing and playing guitar,
a thought-provoking book, a ramble through my own mind, writing
in my journal, solving a problem that I'm not emotionally invested
in, composing music or a poem... In the past I spent hours studying
Astrology and other forms of divination, and reading spiritual
books written by different Masters. I'm always philosophizing
in my head, sometimes sharing it.
5. Do you have any positive role models of introverts that
you admire?
Actually, no... I don't know who they would be. I think I'm
the only introvert in my large family. My mother used to wonder
what was wrong with me. I felt like I let her down... I'm just
realizing how very alone I've felt my whole life. I think i
want to cry...
