Dated: Some Time in September 2004
Hey Nancy,
I stumbled across your website this week, and I can only
say thank you for having it out there. Not exactly sure why I'm
writing you, other than reaching out for help / advice...
I guess I'm a pretty typical story: I just recently discovered that
I'm an introvert, and am very comforted by the fact that there's some
underlying reason for me being the way I am, even though I've spent
the bulk of my life trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and how
I can change.
The direct impetus for all of this was a jolting experience I'm sure
you can sympathize with. In my new job, we underwent "leadership"
training, which included taking the MBTI. For the second time, it
revealed that I'm an INTJ. For the first time, however, I was forced
to stand up in front of a large group of my co-workers and identify
myself---actually, stand to the specific side of the room---as an
introvert.
Given that I've spent much of my life trying to hide my introverted
nature and alchemize into an extrovert, revealing this -- Especially to
co-workers with whom I was attempting to forge new relationships -- was
incredibly difficult for me. Nevertheless, something good did come of
it; I was so shaken that I decided to finally do some research into
introspection to come to grips with my nature. That's how I stumbled
onto your website, and began reading The Introvert Advantage as well.
I guess I'm still coming to understand what it means to be an
introvert, and trying to become comfortable with that. But here's the
essential dilemma for me. I am unquestionably an introvert by nature,
but I am fairly -- and increasingly -- outgoing. There are times when I
really can feel very extroverted -- and honestly, those are the times
when I really feel happy. I can completely accept that I am by nature
an introvert, but I just can't get myself to accept that I can lead a
very happy life that way. I can completely accept that introversion is
okay, it's natural, there's nothing unhealthy with introversion; but I
still can't say I wouldn't trade introversion for extroversion in a
heartbeat, that I don't envy my friends who are extroverted, and that
I don't truly believe that my success and happiness in life are at
least partially jeopardized by my introversion. I realize that these
are issues all introverts must deal with, but I can't really figure
out the answer. I'm hoping you can give me some help and guidance.
When it comes down to it, I just don't see why I should stop trying to
be extroverted, as unnatural as it is. Philosophically I fully believe
that you'll be most happy being yourself 100%, but I just can't see
being completely happy with myself as an introvert. I really hope I'm
wrong!!!!
Thank you for your help, and take care,
Harold
Dear Harold:
Interesting comments.
I can' t even IMAGINE what it must have been like to stand up and "confess" like that :-) One of the strongest characteristics of introverts is our distaste of doing anything for the first time in the public eye! My hope is that someday, if enough word gets out, the people who organize these ordeals will set at least part of the day aside for the way introverts like it. Anyone with introvert-wise awareness would NEVER have created that experience for you.
In a recent newspaper interview someone asked me if I went all over the country giving seminars and programs for introverts. I really was floored ... "Don't you get it!?!?!?!?" I thought. "We hate that stuff. Nobody would come!!!! I have an online course, perfect for introverts."
With a few extreme exceptions, I think introverts are very lovely people who make prized companions, employees, bosses, etc. Some of the very finest teachers, employers, friends and companions I've had have been introverts. In fact, all the best ones. They all had superior social skills due to being able to focus, listen, care and commit. As for the hype and chat, I can do without that. It embarrasses me and makes me uncomfortable.
I vastly prefer an introverted sales person. I had a store once and our BEST sales person was an introverted girl who stood quietly with each customer, giving them her full, genuine attention, listened meticulously (she wasn't preparing her next "witty" remark, she was really listening), remembered details about them, their lives, their preferences and actually built rapport with them as they returned again and again. They always asked for her!!!
I hope you will spend some more time browsing the site as I have articles in all categories that make this point. It's not that we don't like people!!! We just have to take it on our own terms.
The big three: territorial, exhausted by socializing because we GIVE energy, intense. What's wrong with any of those?
I think the more you educate yourself and see the great company you are in, the more quickly you will shed the stigma and see that everyone knows who you are anyway. Just because it now has a name didn't change anything, YOU didn't change.
The company you are in with INTJ: AUGUSTUS CAESAR, DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER, HANNIBAL BARCA, THOMAS JEFFERSON, SIR ISAAC NEWTON. Be proud. Be you. And be the best you you can be!
Thanks for writing and good luck!
Nancy R. Fenn
HE REPLIES!
Hey Nancy,
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you until now; I've been
incredibly busy and also have been taking time to read as much as
possible about introversion.
Believe it or not, I'm now feeling incredibly great about myself and
my life. It's been very, VERY freeing to finally just accept that by
nature, I am slightly introverted. It's weird -- by accepting that part
of me is introverted, I think I become far more extroverted, because
all of a sudden my self-esteem no longer has to suffer from
unnecessary guilt.
That's what I finally realized is the issue for me: my self-esteem has
always been based, not on my intelligence and considerable talents,
but on my ability to interact with others. I do so very well, but
always destroyed myself on the inside for not being as extroverted as
all the other kids.
It definitely feels like a giant weight off my shoulders. I'm sure
this elation is somewhat temporary, but I really do believe that for
the first time I can see myself being an incredibly happy person...
Thanks for the help, and please keep me on whatever e-mail lists you
have...
I'm pretty curious about other people in my situation, whose main
issue isn't so much intense introversion as a self-esteem based
completely on their ability to be extroverted. Have you gotten a lot
of that?
Harold
Dear Harold,
I think just about everybody that comes to the site is like that :-)
Nancy
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