My Mom kept her classics on the bookshelf near the front door. I would sit on the wood floor for hours just touching those books and looking for friends, soul mates, and social understanding in the depths of their pages. It was near my sixth birthday when I met my first true loves-King Arthur and Lancelot. Writing this now still brings a smile to my face. After many more years than I care to share, I can still clearly remember thinking how wonderful it would be to have a man on horseback, a fierce warrior to protect me, to argue with and to be romanced for all eternity. Yes, I knew even at that young age that there would only be one choice for mating in this life-a warrior king-in MBTI terms an ENTJ.
The thing is when I met my husband he was just a teenager, lifting weights, glued to the television set on Sunday’s, devoted to the New England Patriots. He was just this average guy who loved to drive through snowstorms to visit with me. But something in his energy field said this guy is a future warrior-not sure what. Maybe it was the focus he put into winning every game he ever played. Maybe it was the way he walked with a command presence. He is not an oldest child, nor was he the president of his high school class, nor was he even interested in John Wayne movies. But somehow I envisioned him as my Lancelot.
But can truth be as romantic as fiction, myth, or folklore? Woodland green uniforms which usually hang over the backs on my dining room chairs, boots I am always tripping over stay in my living room, bedroom and whatever room they land in and the Babe where is my … can be heard before any deployment or inspection in our home until the wee hours of the morning. Boxes that have not been unpacked since the late 80’s and the phone calls in the middle of the night-Is the MSgt there?
Yes, this is where he usually hangs out at 2 in the AM Lance Corporal.
Oh you mean he was asleep? “
Yes, Lance Corporal, don’t tell anyone but the MSgt actually likes to sleep at night (warrior king is human after all).
Has the world come to an end Lance Corporal?
Ma’am can’t really tell you that Ma’am?
(I am certain that when the world does end-a Lance Corporal will be the messenger)
By this time, the MSgt is at least interested in why his wife is speaking on the phone with a male who is much younger than he….
One quick pass of the phone and then comes the growl -Oh Rah-this better be important!
So what it’s like being an INFP married to Lancelot?
My life has been one of trying to help my husband understand how different I am from him and that despite our differences we both of us are necessary to the success of the greater universal plan. Many hours have been devoted to understanding what makes him tick and trying to teach him what makes me sane. Not always easy to share since I am just learning that about myself. I have also had to learn how to set clear boundaries with this man who truly thinks he is helping when he tries to improve my outlook or way of going about daily life.
Mostly my husband likes to set time lines to accomplish the mission which is life. He truly believes he is being helpful in a left brained logical way. His ideal should be my ideal RIGHT? Yeah right-my brain wakes up every morning in state of clutter and chaos. I have so many lists running in my head at any given time that to even begin to imagine narrowing my focus to the mundane everyday tasks and getting them done between the hours of 7 am and 3pm would be absurd. I use my left-brain for language and once in a great while for sorting socks-otherwise I hang out in right- brained territory. The clearest memory I have of my hubby helping me overcome my thought process been after our first child was born.
I was exhausted as new Mom’s can get. The household chores were falling fast behind me loving on and playing with our baby and trying to get some sleep. I couldn’t help thinking I was letting the entire world down because the dishes weren’t done. My Lancelot decided to help-he made me a chore list like I was an 8 yr old, came home daily at lunch and after work and checked to see what I had accomplished. He figured he would use the same training tools he used with his Marines. At first-okay for 5 whole minutes-I thought I would humor him and play along. It’s amazing how quickly the training ended when I explained to Lancelot that if he needed a Marine in his bed perhaps he should hang out at the squad bay and share cold showers with one who has a tattoo and calls himself Fred… In other words- if he wanted to ever be romanced (Yes I am talking about sex) again by the mother of his children and a Goddess of the home and hearth whom he should adore and support, he would make an honest effort to find me lovable, help around the house and accept that TRAINABLE would never under any circumstances be a word we would use in our marriage (at least not in reference to me or our daughters)… He also learned to do dishes, laundry, and accept that my focus was on loving and playing with our daughters. Dust bunnies would wait. If he wanted perfect than he better move into the barracks… Lancelot wanted loving. (I mean sex) Go figure?
How do we deal with our conflicting social needs? Much more challenging negotiation. Just this week my best buddy decided to inform me that he would be making the sacrifice of staying at home with our younger child so that I could spend the day on a sand bar with two lovely outgoing (they never stop making small talk) folks who I like but can only take in very small doses.
My quick reply- Have you lost your MIND?
His response was a mumbled,” Well I thought it would be fun-you like the ocean and boats and then he wanders from sight so that I can’t throw a book at his head…
He wants large, loud, noisy gatherings like at his childhood home in the Land OF EXTOVERTS where getting their daily dose of dopamine is a matter of course. A day with this kind of crowd will put me in bed for weeks dealing with chronic fatigue. He wants loud stadium events. I like small circles of women friends. He needs the roar of the crowd. I want giggling and scrap booking. How do we both get some of what we need? The answer is – compromise and acceptance. Mostly I have had to convince my hubby that it is okay to go to the football games without me. Yes, he can spend entire days with his family-but don’t count me in and don’t think every time we visit he will be able to ditch me. He has had to learn that we are a family separate from the maddening crowd I call the in-laws.
Lancelot understands balance, fair play and winning. When he gets a chance to be the hero, the warrior, and the court jester all rolled into one, he is a much better husband. I have learned that to love him means to not get my feelings hurt when he needs to go off and play sometimes. However, and this is HUGE>>> He has had to learn that being quiet with me-watching TV, cuddling and snuggling, is my form of play. If he wants me to be his playmate he needs to adjust at least some of the time. Honestly though- this is a constant battle in our marriage. I am very territorial and don’t like sharing him-so I have had to learn to be more flexible. He wishes I was more outgoing and when he is on an adrenaline high from work or sports he can’t understand why I just want to stay home and relax. This difference in our needs can be especially hurtful when he compares me too more extraverted women. Plus when he is feeling charged he is more likely to flirt with those women. Those times are when my insecurities and low self esteem surface in a huge way.
Naturally this leads us to the topic of romance. As a little girl, wanting her grown up mate to be an endless romantic, I certainly had ideas on what that would mean. He would build and guard the castle. He would go out of his way to do small loving things like write notes, pick wild flowers, adore me worship me like a princess of old- you get the picture I’m sure. But the shining Knight who lives in my house has not a romantic bone in his body. At first I was sure he would grow into his role-I would teach him by reading every magazine article on romance. I would buy books and make subtle hints. Surely this would ignite some distant archetypal energy from which my mate would become more in tuned with the simple gestures I crave. Nope, after many painful tears and confusing moments we decided that is not a goal for this lifetime. I figure why waste my good life on waiting for him to catch a clue. In fact, we now have a standing rule in our relationship-no more pathetic romantic gestures that have no meaning to either if us. Being both from large families where money was a luxury not a given-we both have learned to put value on being genuine and responsible and not buying things which will only end up on the top shelf of a closet. I realized after years of buying cards for my husband that he could care less. He wants me to show him love in a way that matters to him. Tickets to Pats game-now that trumps a card he just ends up leaving for me to pick up and dust around.
Plus romance in the magazines is too generic for the INFP in me. At first, I didn’t even know what I needed in the romance department so asking my hubby for romance and being disappointed was a never-ending cycle. He is the kind who seeks a target. If he hits the target once then he will seek the same target endlessly.
Example-he bought a gold heart necklace over 20 yrs ago while we dated. I gushed over it- for 20 yrs I have gotten some version of the same heart necklace for birthdays/anniversaries. I don’t want to sound ungrateful here-at least he made the effort. I am just trying to use an example of how patterns can form in relationships with logic oriented people-while the feelings person that I am wants a little more emotion going into the gifts he gives.
And the sad part is total strangers will pick up on that need in me when a man who is supposed to be my soul mate can’t.
Now when I want something special I buy it for myself. During a recent talk with a male friend, I made the comment that someone who wants to connect with me on a real level almost always offers me something written, books, poems, pictures, something that appeals to my introverted feelings self. I have shopped for many books with our family income but not once has this man presented me with a book.
As an extrovert, my husband would rather be out doing anything than reading, giving me a gift that promotes quiet non-movement could not be helpful in his mission to make me more active. He’s also had to lug more than his fair share of heavy boxes due to our nomadic lifestyle-so boxes of books are not what he wants more of to handle. Again logic, which makes perfect sense in his world. The way I resolve my feelings on this- buy my own books-point out that we have several footballs that I would be more than happy to donate to charity… No more complaining about books. Somehow he gets the big picture…
So how marriage has worked for me has been a series of compromises. I’ve had to learn the language of the ENTJ. I have learned how to get my own needs met in various ways. I don’t look to my Lancelot to do much more than provide economically-make sure we have a house to live in and transportation. He keeps track of the details of the money we have-though I have access to all accounts and am very familiar with what we have invested in as a couple. Believe me my husband wishes I was more interested in money.
He is an awesome parent and our daughters adore him. In other words-I accept him for what he is and what he can give to the marriage. I have accepted his need for outside support -being married to an introvert is not easy folks. We are a wonderful lot, but we are also a tough lot. I know I can be moody-my hermit ways can be very confusing to my outgoing husband. And being married to extroverts can be horrible if we don’t take the time to figure out what we as introverts need and how to get those needs met on our own steam.
As an INFP type introvert, I thought that I would find one true soul mate kind of love, marriage would be one love letter after another and my soul mate would read my mind and know just how to make everything wonderful with the wave of a magic wand…
But a real person showed up for my (our) wedding ceremony. (Go figure), and he is not ready to be put into my idealist world. He thinks his logic is worthy of consideration-and as much as I hate to admit it-sometimes I need him to be logical. He is not violent nor is he unfaithful-not exactly a Lancelot. He is a good man.
And in the end the balance of the INFP and ENTJ somehow makes the universe happen-the YIN and Yang-–the need for difference in a mate so that we will not be bored.
But know this-the warrior energy in my home is not about causing deliberate harm to women and children. In NO WAY do I support or encourage a marriage in which this vast differences in our type makes it okay to turn the home into a war zone. INFP types can be very strong in our own ways-but we can also be easily taken advantage of and become punching bags. Do not take my examples of compromise to mean that I would allow the warrior in my bed to cross the line and use his tactics on our children or me.
Agape love to all
If you would like to write an article about marriage to introverts, please email me. It can be an introvert writing, or someone writing about their introverted spouse.
