WHAT TO DO WHEN ONE OF US IS NOT LIKE THE REST OF US
SUPPORTING PARENTS OF INTROVERTS

“I just found out my daughter is an introvert! What can I do to help her?” This question shows up frequently in my email inbox, whether it’s a son or daughter. It’s an excellent question.

To begin with, please remember that this is news to YOU not to YOUR CHILD.  All your child needs is support in his or her choices, like keeping to himself when he gets home from school or choosing to read during vacation rather than meeting her classmates for shopping.  You can support your child every day in small ways and make a big difference.

I personally dislike all labels, and not all introverts are the same, etc., so begin by acknowledging and supporting personal choices as you begin to learn, too, what introverts like and don’t like. 

For example, when Rob comes home from school and seems unsocial, comment, “Hi Rob, you look bushed today.  It's hard interacting with all those people at school all day isn't it?"  Typical response, “Yep", goes to his room and thinks about what you said. Believe me, it will be revolutionary in his world to get this kind of validation.

Here’s another example. The family is getting ready to pile rambunctiously in the car to pick out the Christmas tree. There is laughter, jostling, yells and screams. But one of us is not like the rest of us. Jenna, a high school student, hangs back and looks like she is going to throw up. Walking over to Jenna, who does her best to give you a weak smile, “Hey Jenna. You look tired. Why don’t you wait here at home for us. You can get the hot chocolate started and get the lights and music going.” Likely you’ll get a very big smile in return. It’s not that we don’t love you – we just find it all very exhausting. Serving behind the scenes or watching from a comfortable distance suits most introverts just fine.

Above all else, please don't spotlight your new found discover in front of the rest of the family. There are eight different types of introverts but a universal characteristic is feeling humiliated when attention is called to us in public, particularly when we are unprepared. We know you mean to be supportive, but your announcement at the dinner table tonight that Kelly is an introvert could be shocking and humiliating to Kelly beyond belief. She never knows what to say anyway and when put on the spot … horrible! Introverts have a strong preference for written communication. That’s why the cat always has our tongue!

You might compare this family awakening process to the way some women turn from Doormat to Bitch from Hell overnight. Let’s be more loving and slide into these things slowly, giving everyone time to get used to the new way of thinking. That’s the introvert way!

Suppose everyone in the family is excited about going to the 4th of July Parade and Rob clearly is not.  Remember, some of us are not like the rest of us. Another family member takes a shot at Rob. Here’s your golden opportunity to advocate for Rob in front of others. "Rob doesn't particularly like crowds and noise and I don't blame him.  It can be a bit much." That’s enough said. It gives everyone something to think about, a small shift in awareness on which to build. It’s kinder to everyone to go slow.

You may be tempted to go on a crusade which includes assaulting your child’s teachers with this new found information. All things being equal, please don’t do this “for” your child. The possibility of humiliation for your child is far greater than assuming that the teacher doesn’t already know about learning differences and is doing the best s/he can. More ideally, as you educate yourself about introversion, begin to supply your child with some helpful tools. After all, s/he will be dealing with a world set up for others the rest of his or her life.

Here’s an example. Steven complains frequently about stomach aches. My guess right away would be that it’s making him sick to eat in the school cafeteria. This is because if I might draw a picture of hell for an introvert, it would be a school cafeteria. See what the two of you can come up with for alternatives. Believe it or not, many introverted kids eat lunch in very strange places to avoid this catastrophic assault of their sensitivities. Some skip it altogether. See if he can sign up for an extra study hall, music practice room, find a corner on the school grounds. Be creative. Be an advocate that way. Stay on your child’s side and work for practical everyday solutions. It doesn’t help as much to onslaught the teacher because introverts will be dealing with these issues their entire life long and we do begin to adapt creative solutions early on for survival.

Creative adaptations introverted kids come up with:

• Ear phones
• Games on handheld devices
• Not making eye contact when walking through a crowd of peers or wearing sunglasses
• Writing and internet versus speaking
• Arriving early or very late
• Riding a bike to and from school (can’t do that with anyone else, can you?); later, riding a motorcycle
• Saying they are shy (Most introverts are not shy but we find it more socially acceptable than saying we don’t feel like talking to you right now.)
• Imaginary activities that require us to be elsewhere
• Bringing a book along
• Wearing hats and big clothing which gives us a feeling of being able to disappear
• Walking fast or very slow
• Spending a long time in the bathroom if that’s the only place there is privacy
• Getting sick to get out of doing stuff like big family parties (some, unfortunately, get very good at this)

Thanks for finding out more about introversion. Introverts such as Shakespeare, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Jackie Kennedy, Michael Jordan, Steven Spielberg and Jeremy Irons have made terrific contributions to the world we live in. Give us a chance to be comfortable in the world our way!