What do we look for in a great birthday party for introverted kids?

Let's look at the things introverts like:

• space
• no surprises plus advance warning
• peace and quiet
• less is more
• familiar surroundings or outdoors
• most love animals
• keep the stimulation down

 

This little girl isundoubtedly praying, "Please don't give me a big, crowded, noisy birthday party. All I want is a little piece of cake and a little peace and quiet with some people I know and love,

 

LET'S PARTY THE INTROVERT WAY

Many children's parties are planned with extroverts or even extroverted adults in mind when they include clowns, makeup artists, jumping paraphernalia, costumes, strange, noisy settings, elaborately orchestrated group photos, flash bulbs -- even balloons and hats.

All of this is missed on the introverted child who prefers "less is more" and some peace and quiet. Introverted children are often disturbed to the point illness (headache, throwing up, etc.) by too much stimulation, loud noises, crowds, relatives they haven't seen in a year and strange surroundings with demands they may be unprepared for like many of the "theme"parties for kids. These may seem like small things to you if you're not an introvert, but ask a friend who is and they will agree.

PLUS

• familiar setting (home or school)
• close family members and a few friends
• minimally decorated table
• casual clothing
• carefully describe what will be expected in the way of opening presents, "thank yous" and so forth
• give time warnings along the way
• keep the noise down
• don't use this as an excuse to have the whole town over ... this would not be your introverted child's preference to put it mildly

I've rated some kids' birthday parties from 1 to 10 so you can get the idea. 1 is something an introverted child would revolt at if they could. 10 is the ultimate for your introverted child.

1. YES

This party rates a 10 because only the big sister is present besides the parents. The cake is simple. The table is undecorated. The photographer and flash bulb don't seem to be protruding too much into the casual scene here.

 

2. NO

Number 2 is going to get a 4. The color red is very stimulating to an introvert. Balloons are an introvert's nightmare -- they are randomly in motion, pop and cause shrieks of hysteria and they put a lot of chaos into the environment. On the plus side, the number of children is good to a little bit high. The table is clutter free and the clothing is casual.

 

3. YES

This is a very good party for kids. First of all, only siblings are present. Secondly, the table and environment are free of clutter which is very relaxing to an introvert. We give this party a 10.

 

4. YES

Outdoor parties can be an introvert's best friend. Most introverts like the outdoors, at least in principle. You can have plenty of space outdoors, get up and move around, leave and walk to a trash can or restroom to get some time alone. The table is clutter free. I give this party a 10.

 

5. YES

6. NO

I'm rating 5 and 6 together so we can compare and contrast. Number 5 gets a 10 for simplicity, space and familiarity. It's obviously at home. Number 6 gets a 5. The clothing is unfamiliar, the setting is unfamiliar. The table is cluttered and even this kind of required "showmanship" is a burden to an introvert. Remember our guidelines: KEEP IT AT HOME AND KEEP IT SIMPLE!

 

7. NO

For a child like this (one year old in pink flowered onesie), there's so much going on that is unnecessary. Wrapping paper, room full of guests and "helper" to the right with package are all obstacles an introvert has to deal with before beginning to enjoy the inner experience of turning another year older! I give this a number 4.

 

8. NO

This party gets low marks too. There are "too many" kids, the table is cluttered. Who invented paper hats anyway and where is it written that they must be perpetrated on introverted birthday persons? Please challenge the paper hat tradition. Introverts dislike having to wear something almost as much as they dislike being touched when they haven't agreed to it. There's too much going on in this photo. We give it a 4 (one saving grace is that it is apparently"at home").

 

9. YES

This party is another 10! Introverted children usually love animals. This little guest can be by herself, wander around, find some quiet and check back in. Clothing is casual, too!

 

10. YES

This party gets a high score -- we'll give it a 9 -- because of the outdoor setting, minimal decor, few people and plenty of space!

 

11.   MAYBE

Opening presents can be very stressful. This little girl looks like an extrovert. Introverts need to be rehearsed in what is expected of them when opening the presents. Give them specific things to say and keep it simple. For example, "Whatever the person gives you, look them right in the eye and say 'Thank you, xxxd, for the nice gift.'" Leave it at that, please!!

 

12. YES

Lots of space, casual clothes, outdoor setting. I give it an 8 because of that darn balloon!

 

13. NO

This party gets a 5. Crowded table, tv adding to the confusion in the background, party poppers and balloons are all stimulating "obstacles" to introverts.

 

REVIEW

On the list.

• to Disneyland or Disneyworld
• to Disney cruises
• to places that cater to large children's parties with themes, loud music, video games, and strangers cut the cake, etc.
• to places where big dressed up animals come around
• to endless series of elaborately posed photos and videos
• to totally strange surroundings
• to hoards of relatives you only see once a year
• to elaborately staged present opening ( A REAL ORDEAL TO INTROVERTS, we'd almost rather do without)
• to cluttered tables
• to uncomfortable clothing
• to being touched by strangers
  • to uninvited picking up
  • to uninvited hand holding
  • to party hats
• to more than one or two friends -- we'd prefer just the immediate family
• to motion, buzz, whirr, PA system and screeching soccer moms
• to complicated games we've never played before and don't want to learn in public - see WHICH TWIN IS THE INTROVERT? for a discovery of learning styles
• to all-day affairs -- keep it to one hour if possible
  
  
  
  We prefer quieter times with our immediate family and one or two friends. Low key, less is more, an opportunity to soak it all in.

Be sure to read THE HALLOWE'EN ARTICLE FOR PARENTS.

This is the end of series. I hope you enjoyed it.

Reader reaction here.

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NANCY'S READERS RESPOND TO THIS ARTICLE

1.21.2005 How do I feel about birthday parties? The "expectations" to perform were a nightmare. Too many people, too much noise, too tiring.

Balloons are ok. I liked to set them "free". Poppers are too noisy. Party hats? So embarassing to wear this ugly cheap artificial annoying thing on my head.

Background music is nice, but not loud "traditional" birthday/party music. How can you talk and listen with all that noise going on.

I love cake. My favouite was white angel food cake with a boiled icing.

Disneyland and theme parks? Too much input, too many people, too much noise, too much false gaiety.

Swim party, no thank you. Never had or went to one. I love going to zoos, parks, picnics, especially in the off-season or quieter times. Otherwise all the crowds are overwhelming and distract from appreciating what is around me.

Tina

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1.21.2005 birthday parties!!  Yes, an extroverts shining moment, and an introvert's hell.     I started begging my parents not to throw me any more birthday parties when i was about 7 years old.  I did understand why people would be giving me so much attention.  I didn't like the chaos.   Also, even then I was very private.  The more important something was/is to me, the less people i want to share it with.   The good news is that after that year, all birthday parties were small family affairs. 

As a kid i enjoyed playing with balloons for days after the party.  But poppers, absolutely not! Party hats, no. Very uncomfortable.

Usually just immediate family.  an occasional best friend is ok too.

No music. No Disneyland or theme parks. Chocolate cake was my favorite food as a kid.   But, keep it low key.

Picnics, ok. Swim party if just a few people. Outdoors ok. a family trip to race gocarts was a fun birthday trip for me as a kid. 

Nathan

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1.21.2005 How did I feel about birthday parties? I hated them.  HATED THEM.

No poppers or party hats, 1-3 people or immediate family only. Music and cake ok. Disneyland, no. Swim party maybe.

Irene

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1.21.2005 How did I feel about birthday parties? It was Hell on Earth.  I developed a severe case of the flue and diarhea, just to get out of my grandmothers huge birthdayparty with all of the distant relatives and aquaintances, none of whom I knew.  Must have been 100 people there.   I was however interested in hearing that it made her happy, and I sent a card, but I absolutely could not endure the stress of such a gathering.

Ballons are fun because you can play with them alone.  However I don't like a lot of kids jumping around playing with ballons. Poppers, no! Why would anyone enjoy noise and mess?

Party hats? They have no real purpose other than to make it look like you are having a party that you don't want anyway

Guests? 1-3. My mean older brother is not allowed, nor any of my noisy siblings who only find me strange and argue a lot with me, or otherwise view me as weird.  Only friends who accept me as I am and still like me.

Cake> Maybe. Music? Not dance music unless I have ben trained in dance.  I like music that engages the mind, not that causes a party atmosphere.

Disneyland? No! I hate amusement parks, it escapes me why poeple want to be jostled around so.  Not my idea of a good time.

Outdoors? Zoo? etc.? Love em.  Gives you something to focus on besides interpersonal interaction, yet brings others of like mind together, even strangers

pSwim party? Only with other nonrowdy people, preferable people I am very much familiar with and would like to get to know better.  The swimming takes the focus off of me and you can bond yet keep a safe distance

Shawn

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11.15.2004 I remember a very early party with decorations and quite a few other kids and it didn't seem to bother me. However, when I got a bit older I made sure my family knew that I *never* wanted a surprise party or a school friend invited without my knowledge. I think because I was so clear about my likes and dislikes (I was really afraid of parties!) my birthday was always a very simple afair with only immediate family (no friends, even. It just would have been too tiring), a homemade cake, and maybe some streamers in the kitchen (where the"party" was held).

one or two helium balloons would have been fine

Never had poppers, thank goodness

Even when I was a kid they [party hats] seemed ridiculous

One good friend would have been okay. Any more than that I would have found too tiring.

instrumental background music ok

My favourite cake was white angelfood with simple decorations in one or two colours

Fortunately I was never offered Disneyland, but I'm sure if I had been I would have cried and begged for a change of plans.

Zoos made (and still make) me feel sorry for the animals. A picnic with close family would have been nice because we lived in a very rural area with no other people for a mile or so.

Being half dressed in a pool full of other people? No, thank you.

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10.34.2004 joanna i only liked parties small and intimate. sleepovers with close friends were the best!
my family is huge. i would enjoy parites better with a few close friends and less family!


balloons but not too many - poppers are too loud - cake is great ... yes but low sugar or raw sugar, not refined

disney is my biggest nightmare. i'm more afraid of there than of dying, seriously!

picnics are ok, but off season, when there are less people.

Swim parties -- sure if there are only a few people

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10.15.2004 Yes [the form] did cut me off mid sentence. [I APOLOGIZE! I HAVE FIXED THE FORM NOW.] But it's okay. Just being able to see the birthday party pics and finally haivng that Aha Moment that says-Wow that's why I celebrate the way I do and that is why I drive my extroverted husband and daughter crazy. They always insist on surprises for my birthday-God I hateeee that. I just want simple -family oriented celebrations. For them celebrations mean lots of noise and more noise. It has taken me years to explain to my husband that I am not trying to spoil his  fun -I just want to be me on my day. Plus the Disney thing-I so agree NOOOOOO DISNEY FOR ME PLEASEEEEEEE. Hugs, Kati

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6.24.2004 I was the first child born in my family in 34 yeas.

My brothers and I were always admonished to be careful and not pop balloons, so maybe they weren't as stressful for me for that reason. Or maybe the stress of the not-popping them  outweighed the stress of the noise!

We never had poppers, but I know I wouldn't like them much. I always felt silly in party hats, but wore them because I was told it was the thing to do.  I got through things easier if I didn't upset any of the grownups! I wasn't that close to many other kids as a child.  For my 10th birthday I had a skating party, with the whole class! There were too many around, it diluted the fun of being with my best friend.  I never got to see her!

As for music, definitely something nice in the background, to set the mood of the party.  Easy jazz.  Quiet dulcimer or celtic music.  Nothing to compete with the voices of a few friends. I love cake.  Always felt stressed about getting all the candles blown out. About zoo, etc., you described the benefits perfectly. As for swim party, it's hard to splash around and have fun if you're worried about getting the social stuff right.  A great adcenture with just the family.  Terrible if I also had to be 'on stage' as the party girl and do well in front of my friends.

I wanted to say that I really appreciate the comment about the throwing up as a reaction to the stress of just too much stimulus and too much being expected of me in public situations as a child.  I cried a lot too, when there was a lot going on around me.  (For 3 years I was the only child in a family of 4 contentious adults.)  As the first child in the family in 34 years, I was also expected to meet everyone's differing expectations of the 'perfect child.'  They meant no harm, they had all just forgotten what real children are like!  My Mom knew, but she was outvoted.  So anyway, I cried and threw up a lot. and now I understand why!  Big, big thanks to you for that and for this webpage and newsletter in general. -- Paula

[Thanks, Paula!!]

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9.10.2004 How did I feel about parties as an introverted kid? At first, okay, but later I hated them.

Balloons, maybe. If I alone control them, maybe it wouldn't be stressful.  Otherwise, it would definitely be upsetting.  Way too unpredictable and potentially noisy.  If I could trust the others to be considerate... mm, maybe if it was really important to someone I could tolerate it.  The funny thing is, I didn't realize my feelings on this until reading the article!  I still have a lot to learn about myself.

Poppers ... AUGH NO.  No no no please no.  Way too loud and startling.  I could handle them if I had to, but in the ideal world, none would be allowed in a one mile radius of me.

Party hats ... maybe. If people aren't waving them around and cluttering everything up with them they are borderline tolerable, but still distracting and stressful.  I can see how they might be fun, but that doesn't mean they don't make things harder for me.

Immediate family only, yes! And actually, ideally, maybe not even family either.  Ha!

Music ... If it's peaceful music I pick and control.

Cake ... maybe. Do not make a big deal about blowing out the candles.  Really, please don't.  Cake's okay if it fits my dietary requirements and so forth.  This is one of the few areas where I might actually appreciate something out of the ordinary.

Disney, no. Zoos, outdoor places, not for me personally, though if it's your thing than I can definitely see that it could be fun.  Preferably no crowds, though. Swim party, no. Too many echoes and splashes and screeches and sudden temperature changes.  Maybe if you could trust everyone else to stay calm it would be okay. Disney and theme places, oh my gosh.  No.  Just no.  I'm sorry.  No, no, no.  This is like sending someone to hell for Christmas because, hey, everyone likes being toasty warm, right? Picnics, no.

COMMENTS: There's no place for general comments, so I'll just say here: THANK YOU SO MUCH for this page.  I've been working really hard on recognizing that my needs are simply that and don't make me a worse person, but I still need all the reminders I can get.  I'm definitely going to recommend this webpage to others.  Thank you again.  (Oh, and on the topic of feedback, a tiny nitpick: I don't think the first form expands properly.  I almost forgot to mention that, though, I'm so grateful to this page.  You are an amazing person.) -- Anonymous

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9.6.2004 I didn't like birthday parties. I love balloons ... didn't much like blowing them up. Maybe in poppers but too noisy most of the time. No on party hats ... Can't celebrate anything with a pointy cardboard paper hat. Just the immediage family ... I don't like Chaos and I definitely don't like being the center of attention. Yes on music. I'm a teen and teens and tunes go together. I don't like outdoors much. I'm afraid of water. Definitely no to Disney and theme parks.

I wasn't given birthday parties as a kid ... my parents just don't have the money to spend it on such a frivolous thing. So I'm a year older ... whoopi -- Anonymous

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5.11.2005 It is such a gift learning that it's OKAY to enjoy celebrations in this way. Wow, it just BLOWS MY MIND knowing this is okay!!! I'm so happy!

Meryl

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5.1.2006 Good Morning Nancy,

Wow, I read that email I received this morning and something in it really grabbed my attention and sent me back a bit in time. It was the picture of the child blowing out her birthday cake with her eyes closed and beneath it you wrote:

This little girl isundoubtedly praying, "Please don't give me a big, crowded, noisy birthday party. All I want is a little piece of cake and a little peace and quiet with some people I know and love,

This took me back to at least a dozen times that I can remember married to my first wife who was an extrovert. When my birthday would come she would ask me how I wanted to celebrate it. I would say, or course, no party please and then say something like how about just the two of us going to a bookstore and browsing there. Or a small cupcake with a candle on it. She would always look at me like I was nuts! The painful part here was that even though I would still insist on having my birthdays celebrated that way, there was this part inside that absorbed that "nuts" label.

It is just so refreshing to read your articles Nancy and be able to revisit these different parts of me inside that I can begin to validate and embrace with new acceptance. I haven't even known that they, these parts of me are there until in one of your articles, something inside me begins to stir and say, "what did she just say? what did she just write there?" and them there I am revisiting a part of me that now feels that there is some safety to be able to come out and let me know he is there. -- Mark

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4.27.2007 Thank you for the birthcard Nancy. Clearly you are able to see very complex star formations. ;o) I took vacation yesterday and just ran around doing some shopping and dreaming. The highlight was a visit to a ceramic shop and the people there. Love and Beauty is in many surprising and unexpected places. Thanks again! -- Ben

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