TODAY'S QUESTION

From Patrick in Canada

"First of all, the site's helped me like you wouldn't believe. For once I don't shy away from who I really am, forcing myself to speak so I can break the silence with other people. It's over with, and I'm never looking back. Here's to ending small talk.

But there's a problem... a catch. Sometimes I need to be social, we all do, and I'd like to know how I can get right into it at will (okay, that's wishful thinking, it'll never be that easy). I was wondering if spending most of my time alone is the only way to hone my social skills. Had to ask because I've got an extroverted girlfriend, and the last thing I want is to bore her to death. I guess this is really two questions, since I'd also like to know what's the best way to maintain a solid relationship with her. My last one didn't go very well, and I'm assuming it was the result of us being complete opposites (but hey, opposites attract). Thanks in advance." "

ANSWER

Dear Patrick:

Excellent questions!

Thanks for writing. You are correct, opposites attract and mostly introverts and extroverts team up together romantically. You must realize that as quiet and introverted as you are makes you the perfect AUDIENCE for your extroverted girlfriend. She isn't ever bored with you because you don't bore HER with talking about yourself (!!) She gets to talk about herself all the time and what an i nteresting and exciting person she is and all the kool stuff she's doing in her life and she will enjoy this tremendously.

If anything, it is eventually the other way around that ends these relationships. The introvert finally gets tired of being an audience ALL the time and wants more space and consideration when they have something significant to say. Sometimes this takes years but it does happen.



HOW TO CHAT SOMEONE UP 101

As for learning social skills, remember that extroverts, unlike us, LIKE to be asked questions. They like to be taken out to lunch and LISTENED to. My grandmother used to prepare a list of questions before an important encounter. (she brought famous actors to Chicago and sat at them for banquets where she was required to carry on a conversation for the length of the meal.) Grandmother Garrett would actually research their lives in the library (no computers back then) and have what she called some " intelligent conversation" about the things she had prepared for ahead of time. Such as -- "I understand you grew up in Finland. Is it as cold there as people say?" "I know you travel all over the world performing. What's your favorite theater [and why]?" Here's a list of questions you can ask any extrovert that they will love. Then just listen. This is what is considered "social skill" in the extroverted majority driven world. It is intentionally superficial so stay away from expressing strong opinions. It can't last forever and then you're free to go walk the dog or curl up with a good book!

Here are the questions:
(1) What's new? [I'm not kidding about this ... it can sometimes trigger 15 minutes of nonstop conversation in an extrovert if you listen actively.]

(2) Where'd you get that [gorgeous leather purse][totally unique green hat] [efficient looking daytimer][antique desk], [hot car I saw you drive up in], [heirloom jewelry you're wearing], etc. It looks so cool!

(3) Boy the traffic was really something on the way over here. Did you have trouble getting here on time, too? [They can go either way with this. If they agree, egg them on ... how bad was it? If they disagree, ask them what direction they came from and what their normal commute is like.]

(4) Great speaker, wasn't it? Do you like public speaking? [then just listen]

(5) How about that [name a professional ball team] game last week? Don't give your own opinion. This slows it down. Keep asking them questions to keep them talking.

(6) This is a really nice setting [restaurant] [dining room] [campus] [car], isn't it? Very interesting decor. [they will talk about their own taste for 15 minutes while you listen] Pepper your listening with things like "really, tell me more" and "that's interesting ... where'd you learn that?" and "where can I buy something like that?" and "you're really good at this, aren't you"? [this last one is usually good for at least another 15 minutes if you can stand it!]

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW THE PERSON OR EXPRESSING YOUR OWN OPINIONS. IT'S SCHMOOZING, SO JUST LISTEN AND THEY'LL LOVE YOU FOR IT.

I hope this gives you some tips. It's all about THEM. They are 75% of the people you meet. If it's another introvert, just forget the small talk and do your business. They hate it as much as you do and will be so relieved!

Please browse Introverts Discovery Program and learn more.

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