The world from another perspective in dating!	nancy r. fenn is the introvertz coach Questions from an Extrovert about Dating an Introvert HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER DAVID?

THIS IS AN E-MAIL I RECEIVED FROM AN EXTROVERT. I ASKED HIS PERMISSION TO POST IT ON THE SITE FOR RESPONSES. I THOUGHT IT WAS PROBABLY A QUESTION SOME OF US WOULD ENJOY ANSWERING.

AS ALWAYS, PLEASE KEEP THE TONE OF RESPONSES RESPECTFUL SO THAT I CAN POST THEM. USE CASUAL E-MAIL FORMAT IF YOU LIKE. THESE ARE HONEST QUESTIONS AND DESERVE A THOUGHTFUL REPLY.

HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER "DAVID" ?

    My god if only i had found this site 6 months ago i would had understood more about the girl i like. I had done all the "Things not to do to an introvert", kinda ironic isn't it? Hi my name is David [fictitious] and i thankyou so much for posting such valuable information. However, i do have a few questions. How do you get an introvert to be interested in you? Since according to your information they seem to be very anti-social that not even a small conversation about our lives could work. Also if they don't care what others think of them then that would  mean the chemistry between the two can only be triggered by an introvert instead of an extroverted person such as me?  Or are there other explanations to it?

Last two questions, how do introverts get close friends when they put a barrier between them and others. If they do have friends what could they possibility talk about? Perhaps only about work or could there be other topics, or maybe just by the talk of work gets them excited?

GOOD QUESTIONS, DAVID. LET'S HEAR WHAT THE INTROVERTS HAVE TO SAY.

Responses will be posted here. In general David's response to the responses (!) has been:

"wow thanks alot with the help i really appreciate it."

Dear David, Thanks for your sincere interest in our personality. I’d like to start by saying that we’re definitely anything but anti-social, if anything we have idealistic expectations of social situations that may seem alien to extroverts because generally chatting for the sake of chatting feels trivial and tax our reserves. Personally I love dating extroverted women, primarily because they keep the conversation going, and I can do what I enjoy the most, which is to listen. There’s no barriers David, we’re not swinging our arms around, we’re very approachable. Just be sincere when you talk to this girl, because we can see right through people’s intentions…believe me. 

We’re human beings David, we enjoy talking about things everyone talks about, we just listen more, get it?

12.16.2004 Steve Kim

Dear David,

First, thank you for your interest and your questions — and for recognizing that introversion is a true personality type. You wouldn't believe how many men I run into who have told me that I need to stop being "shy" or who have mistakenly thought I was insecure simply because I don't make snap decisions or jump into new situations without thinking. It's kind of demoralizing and, to tell the truth, it has made me a bit insecure.

As others have noted, introverts aren't anti-social or shy. We're just quiet. We talk when we have something to say. Small talk is torture for most of us. I enjoy a stimulating discussion about books, music, philosophical and spiritual issues, movies, pets and lots more. I can hold my own in a social situation — with people I'm familiar with. In a new group of people, I will watch and listen for a while before I jump into the conversation. I like to get the lay of the land.

If I were to give advice to a man who wanted to date me, I'd tell him to not put a lot of pressure on me to make decisions about where we'll go and what we'll do. Also, he should understand that I'm not going to call him (unless I'm returning his call) just for the heck of it until after we know each other well enough that I can say we're friends. See, introverts don't like the telephone; we avoid it unless absolutely necessary. Recently, a man who wanted to date me kept telling me to call him and got angry with me when I didn't. We had not even been out on one date! I was terribly put off by his attitude.

Introverts do have close friendships. Our friendships may be even closer than those of extroverts. That's because we don't share our inner selves with everyone we meet. We choose our friends carefully, therefore they mean a great deal to us. I have a dear friend who is an extrovert — she collects "friends" likes charms on a bracelet. But she is close to none of them. Unlike her, I have a few very close friends. She and I are close because she accepts me as I am and appreciates the fact that I really listen to her (introverts are excellent listeners).

One last thing, when you ask an introvert out for a first date, suggest something simple like meeting for coffee or lunch. (Recently, a man asked me out for dinner, the theater and dancing — all in the same evening. I was exhausted just hearing about it. I appreciated the invitation, but it was just too much.) After you ask her out for lunch, suggest a place and time. Don't say you'd like to take her out, then expect her to tell you what she wants to do. It's too much pressure.

I can tell you are a nice, sincere person. I wish you the best!

-- RO

12.21.2004 My compliments to you for seeking understanding for what you do not understand. That is wise, and will serve you well throughout your life in my experience. In this way you will come to understand the value of all people not just those like you.

The simple answer to your question is the you will need to provide an open, accepting, loving, and supportive space for her to be whoever or whatever she wants to be. The emphasis is on open and accepting no matter what. You will have to feel into her deeply and intutitively if you can. Notice everything about her, what she reads, listens to, and is drawn to. Then you will have to go within yourself to feel or try to understand the appeal. You will do this best from your own original perspective. Learning about something, and then trying to b.s. her with your knowledge might work for a little bit. If she is deeply intuitive, she will shut you down cold as a manipulative ass. I would too! No offense, but you have to come clean and be very genuine and authentic in this relationship.

Throw out all strategies, talking, convincing, trying to pull information out of her, verbal or emotionally manipulative techniques. If she is a strong introvert, she will see you coming from a mile away and shut you off from access to her inner world. You are going to have to take the focus off trying to get something out of her. Introverts are protective of their inner world and energy. We only have so much, and we don't want to waste it on energy drainers and vampires trying to get us to dance to their tune.

I encourage you and her if you can convince her to take the the Myers Brigg personality test. If you score strong as an extrovert and she scores strong as an introvert, I don't want to discourage you, but you are coming from 2 totally different directions that will be very difficult to reconcile.

If both of you are weaker extraverts and introverts then perhaps there is hope to meet in the middle. It is all about energy. Extraverts get their energy from talking, relating, activity, socializing, and exchanging information, ideas, and creativity from each other. So extraverts are constantly pulling information from others.

Introverts have a rich inner life that feeds, energizes, and recharges their energy from within. Introverts start their day with a certain amount of energy, and at the end of the day, they have to recharge with quiet, rest, and peaceful activities that feed their inner life. Some are not dependent on others for their self image. Others are since we are taught the extravert perspective in school. We may appear shy, standoffish, or even solitary. The truth is that we trust ourselves to an appointed few and select more intimate and personal activities rather than big events with a lot of people.

If you are someone who likes to constantly talk, meet people, big gatherings, and to socialize, then you will have a tough road if she is real introverted. The good news is that if you two can connect, you may experience a level of love, tenderness, and intimacy that some people only dream about. Depends on what you want. So what do you want?? Does the inner work of this inner journey appeal to you? If not, fine be honest, and move on to someone more like you. There is no shame in it, and whatever you learn can help you in future relationships such as work. Do not go through the ugliness of a forced relationship. Your awareness already speaks highly of you if it is sincere.

Years ago, I dated an extravert woman who was really a wonderful person, very loving and attentive. However, she could not shut up and she was not a good listener. She was way too involved in her own little head trip and that I ride it with her. I had to exit stage right from the relationship. She was eating up my energy and spitting me out. She would have put me in an early grave.

One last story, for your consideration. I give it to you out of personal integrity to myself. One of my best friends in the world is an extravert. He is of the milder variety. When I met him he was living with his future wife who is an introvert. He loved her no doubt. He poured all his energy into her. He gave, and gave, and gave. Finally they married.

They stayed married for 10 years and recently divorced. Why? He just couldn't take her lack of interest in socializing, talking, and she was pretty much an in bed by 9 p.m. person with low energy, and very regimented routines. The first 2 years of marriage was pretty good. The remaining 8 years was hell. They went to counselors, psychologists, spiritualists, read books, went out on dates, had deep discussions on and on. They wasted more money trying to manipulate what was essentially a personality and energy gap that was very wide.

So why did it fail? Because with all the above, they did not really understand what kind of person they married, and in the end they were too far apart to meet half way. I tried to explain some of this to my friend, and he just did not get it or want to try to get it with any real work. So I just had to sit back and watch the marriage disintegrate in ugly ways that were totally unnecessary.

So you go a long way towards peace in your life by trying to understand yourself and this girl who is the apple of your eye. If nothing else, knowing yourself will change your life to the good.

So the advice is take the Myers Briggs. Research what your personality type says about you and her if she participates. Decide how much of it is true based on books and research about your type. There are subtle variations on any generalized academic classification. There is a good book called Do What You Are. It is a book on finding a career based on your type, but also goes a long ways to providing understanding about each personality type. Nancy can provide a good Myers Briggs test website.

If you insist on moving forward with this relationship, then I recommend buying the book on the Wisdom of Listening edited by Mark Brady. This book has contributions from many authors. It will provide some great ideas and techniques for bringing depth into your own life which you will surely need to relate to anyone deeply introverted as well as yourself.

Whatever happens, you get to learn about the wonderful diversity of people which can provide untold benefits for you and the relationships you will have in the future.

Blessings!
A NonToastmasters participant!! ;o)))

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TRY NANCY'S eBOOK "DATING TIPS FOR INTROVERTS"

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